Ireadharrypotterfasterthanyouosis

In case you were wondering, about 70% of trombonists can't read (yes, that includes music. Explains a lot doesn't it?). The other 30% read extremely slow and have trouble with words like "glissando" and "cat". For the trombonists who are Harry Potter fans, this can be quite frustrating.

Harry Potter readers are plagued by a strange affliction known in some groups as "Ireadharrypotterfasterthanyouosis*". The condition prompts the readers of Harry Potter books to time themselves whenever they start reading the 4th, 5th, 6th, or 7th book. However, timing the reading sessions is only a small part of this recently discovered medical condition. It is what is commonly known as "The Sharing of the Times" that gives a reader some serious street cred in certain circles. "The Sharing of the Times" turns into a ritual that goes on until a bluff is called.

HP Fan 1: "The fourth book took me about 3 days to finish."
HP Fan 2: " It took ME about 1 day"
HP Fan 3: "It took me about 15 hours"
HP Fan 1: "OH! I didn't read it for three days straight. I took breaks. Without the breaks I probably read it in 9 hours"
HP fan 2: "I took breaks over my 1 day. It really only took me 6 hours"
Trombonist HP Fan: "I read it in 4 hours"
HP Fans 1,2,3: "Yeah right!"
 The bluff has been called.
 Trombonist: backpedals. embarrassed. "I meant to say...uh...10 hours"

But it's too late. The ritual is over and the bluff called, leaving the trombonist to ponder the the drastic measures (no pun intended) just taken.

Why Do We Care So Much?
Reading Harry Potter 4 faster than all of your friends should not be important. It's about as important as being able to tie your shoe while licking your elbow, yet the ritual lives on. Reading Harry Potter quickly is like chugging a 2 liter of Dr. Pepper. You don't enjoy it, and you miss 9 of the 23 flavors, but you can tell everyone that you did it. You chugged a 2 liter in 30 seconds and read Harry Potter in 30 minutes. Maybe your 3 year old neighbor thinks that you're totally awesome, but for the most part, NO ONE CARES. Unfortunatey the self satisfaction brought on by"Ireadharrypotterfasterthanyouosis" is quite severe, and when the good feeling wears off, the infected will tell anyone who will listen about their best Harry Potter time in an attempt to achieve another good feeling that is brought on by the awe of others.

The Effect on Trombonists
Trombonists are affected by the condition, but since they are not able to read well, they don't have much to brag about. Now there is even less of a chance for them to gain acceptance in a world that frowns upon the illiterate socially awkward trombonists.

One Exception
There is actually one merit to reading Harry Potter quickly, but you have to be a complete meany-pants to do it...

You have the power to tell everyone that DUMBLEDORE, DOBBY, SIRIUS, LUPIN, TONKS, FRED, SNAPE, AND HEDWIG  DIE before they even get to the part that you just spoiled. Of course, if you are a trombone player, you never get to these parts before anyone else.


*Note: This condition only affects those who grew up while the books were being released. Today the infected readers would probably be between the ages of 14 and 23.

-The Socially Awkward Trombone