It has a long and socially awkward history. Unfortunately it's true history has become extinct. Much like the T-Rex (who incidentally did not have arms long enough for the trombone)
But I have managed to piece together some of this forgotten history and now I will share it with you.
Many will try to tell you that the trombone is a descendent of the baroque trombone or sackbut, but this is a lie created by the unfortunate Sackbut family (of France), who wanted to have redeeming qualities associated with their very unfortunate surname. I am still at a loss for why they thought naming a trombone would help their situation in any way.
In reality, the first trombone was a complete and total disaster. It's creator, Harold, made a living making instruments for the medieval tournaments frequently held by his king.
Harold's first trombone model was such a disappointment that he threw it out of his workshop and began construction of the much more successful herald trumpets. These were later used in every tournament an ultimately in the King's court, but Harold still died poor. Because Feudalism.
He also didn't have his trumpet named after him because they spelled his name wrong. Poor Harold.
But on the fateful day that the trombone was thrown from the workshop and into the street, a knight happened to be passing by. He was a knight solely due to his family's status and was quickly accepted around the kingdom as an oddball (socially awkward by today's standards). He saw the bizarre hunk of metal and its moving slide and thought to himself
"What a wonderful new lance for my jousting tournaments!"
Actually he didn't think it. He said it out loud because he was socially awkward and talked to himself frequently.
The knight then brought the failed musical instrument to his next tournament thinking that the extra extension of the slide would allow him to defeat his opponent ere he was struck.
He was wrong.
The herald trumpets blasted their notes, the crowd cheered, the knights rode towards each other at great speed, and our socially awkward knight's brass lance folded. He found himself unhorsed with a broken arm. Realizing he was not cut out for jousting, the knight decided to go on a journey of "healing". In the mines of Rodrom he repaired the trombone and lived out the rest of his days learning to play in complete isolation.
Fast forward a few years to the Age of Sail. A young Napoleon Bonaparte is wandering near our knights final resting place when he finds a hunk of brass. He keeps the item (The knights trombone if you haven't guessed) until he begins to war with everyone. Being a land fighter desperate to dominate the British at sea, he decides that the moving slide on this item should be incorporated into every mast of his sailing fleet. It was supposedly some attempt at retractable masts so the short men he recruited for his navy (to make him feel tall) didn't have to climb so high into the rigging. Or at least they didn't need to carry their chairs to sea.
Obviously this is why Napoleon lost the war.
When he was exiled, he gave the instrument to his awkward nephew who aspired to be a surgeon.
"One who chops through bones for amputation" was what he explained to the horrified few who asked him to elaborate on his future career.
Fortunately he never became a surgeon. He found the flatulent noises of his uncles instrument to be far more satisfying and decided to create a career for himself. Taking advantage of the kindness of the good Christians in the local churches the boy began to play in weekly services. When asked what instrument he was playing the boy would simply respond with "trombone". He named it this because he thought the sound it made was "tromb" and he still had an odd obsession with sawing bones.
Just as Napoleons nephew began to make progress playing the trombone, it was stolen by con man Harold Hill. Hill made multiple copies of it and sold them all over the world as band instruments in a package deal with his newly christened "Harold Trumpets".
Napoleons nephew grew up to be the easily forgotten opponent in Spiderman's first wrestling match. He is now mostly known for the famous line "BONESAW IS READYYYYY!!!"
And that my friends is the completely bogus and socially awkward history of the trombone.
