Short People and Umbrellas

In this world, there are few things more terrifying to a tall person than short people wielding umbrellas. In case you don’t already know, the umbrella was invented to keep people dry on days where rain is prevalent (the use has been disputed in some circles, but I’ll leave that for another day). Unfortunately, the person who designed the umbrella, in their haste to make it convenient, used thin metal rods that allowed the umbrella to become collapsible. Not only did this feature allow the umbrella to be opened indoors causing bad luck, it required the metal rods to poke out at numerous evenly spaced locations on the umbrella, creating some kind of modern spinning torture device bent solely on the destruction of the eyes of tall people. Short people take advantage of these protruding rods by actually sharpening the ends to make them even more deadly.

In my experience, I have noticed that a disproportionate amount of short people use umbrellas compared to tall people. I refuse to attribute this to the possibility that short people are more likely to melt when touched by rain. No, short people use umbrellas purely to cause misery in the lives of the tall people. Why else would they hold their umbrellas so high?*

Maybe we tall people deserve to be impaled on the umbrellas of short people. After all, many kitchen cabinets are tailored towards those with tall tendencies, requiring short people to drag chairs along with them everywhere they go, just in case they encounter high cabinets. Perhaps this is the real reason for the umbrella use. Not only does wielding an umbrella get back at tall people for building the cabinets, but umbrellas protect the beautifully made chairs, strapped to the backs of short people, from the rain. Besides being unable to reach cabinets, short people have experienced heightened prejudices against them ever since the release of Randy Newman’s song “Short People”, which stated very clearly that “Short people got no reason to live”.

At this point you’re probably asking,

“Becca, how are short people with umbrellas in any way socially awkward?”

I’m getting there…

The social awkwardness of short people walking with umbrellas will have to be prefaced with the social awkwardness of walking. Bear with me.

The Social Awkwardness of Walking

There are unspoken rules that come with walking when you are near someone. Most people never become aware of these rules because they were lucky enough to either have been born with the rules built into them, or born with no sense of what is socially acceptable and what is not. If you are a trombonist or some other poor unfortunate soul, you may notice the rules and have a hard time following them because you are socially awkward.

Rule 1. If you are walking behind someone, don’t get too close. If they turn around they may think that you are stalking them and proceed to grab their mace.

Rule 2. If you are passing someone, make sure that they are walking significantly slower than you. If they are close to your pace it will take a long time to pass them and you will spend an uncomfortable amount of time walking right beside them. This is extremely awkward if you don’t know the person. Walking next to someone will cause them to think that they might know you and prompt them to start a vague and awkward conversation with you to figure out if they do know you.

Short person (SP): “How’s it going? Do I know this person? They're walking next to me. ”

Trombonist (T): “Fine. I don’t know this person.”

SP: “That wasn’t very revealing. classes going OK?”

T: “yeah. why is he talking to me?”

SP: “Still can’t tell. What are you taking”

T: “Lot’s of music stuff.”

SP: “oh good, I don’t know this person. No one I know is into music. Thank goodness. This person is super awkward. Oh that sounds fun. Well, I have to go. Bye.”

Rule 3. When passing someone, make sure there is a wide space to pass through. I would suggest larger than half of the width of a tooth. Actually it would probably be best if the space was twice your size. You do this because often, the person in front of you has trouble walking a straight line because they are in college. You don’t want them to brush against you accidentally. Sometimes hands will touch in a pass that was not well executed. Nothing is more socially awkward than an unintended touch of the hands between two people who don’t know each other.

Now we can address why the umbrella heightens the social awkwardness of walking.

The Social Awkwardness of Walking with Umbrellas

A person with an umbrella takes up way more space than a person without an umbrella. Once you finally realize how to properly execute a pass on the sidewalk, you must adapt your methods entirely to accommodate this rather frustrating change. Passing someone may require you to pass under their umbrella, which requires ducking. Not only will a person not walk straight, now they will unconsciously move their umbrella around. This will require you to analyze the space you have to walk through as well how low you must duck in order avoid touching their hand and being impaled on their umbrella. The ducking will draw attention to yourself causing a socially awkward situation in which people stare at you for being weird.

The worst thing that can happen on rainy days is becoming surrounded by dozens of short people with umbrellas. An attack can come from any side. It is not unlike being surrounded by an army bent on destroying you with their swords. Parrying attacks becomes crucial to survival until finally, one attacker will go another direction to attend class. If you’re lucky, an opening is created that you can escape through. If an opening is not created, and you can no longer take the never ending threat of impalement, you can awkwardly ask someone to move out of the way. Asking that question doesn’t seem awkward until you have to ask it. Believe me, it is super awkward. Personally, I have taken to accepting the beatings from the umbrellas because asking someone to move is too awkward to bear.

Solution?

If only short people could stop being so vicious. A raincoat is not a bad alternative; in fact, it may be MORE effective in keeping the rain off. Until the day comes when short people stop using umbrellas, we tall people will just have to assume the umbrellas serve a more important cause than keeping short people chairs dry. This is the burden that tall people must bear. Hopefully a solution to dangerous umbrellas will be invented. Maybe rubber tips on the metal ends?

*Note:  I never use umbrellas. This is quite possibly because my head is in the clouds (literally and figuratively), causing me to walk out in thunderstorms without realizing that it is raining until someone in class asks “Why didn’t you get an umbrella or wear a raincoat?”.

-The Socially Awkward Trombone