The Socially Awkward "How are you?"

It is a good idea to know the appropriate responses for various social interactions. Only recently have I figured out the "How are you?".

Apparently it is common social knowledge that when someone asks "How are you?", you are supposed to ask "How are you?" back. Because this question is used mostly as a conversation starter, no one really cares what your response is, as long as it's not the dreaded "good". That response just makes things awkward. The appropriate reply would be something along the lines of "I'm   (insert feeling here)  . How are you?". Asking "How are you?" back is the proper etiquette, and helpful for multiple reasons. First, it buys you time to come up with a topic of conversation during the other persons elongated response. Second, it keeps the interaction from ending suddenly.

But the REAL reason for someone to approach you and ask how you are doing is purely for themselves. By asking "How are you?", what someone is really saying is "I am starting a conversation with you so I can tell you all about myself". Like I stated before, it doesn't matter what your first response is. Actually, the conversation could go something like this:

Socialite: "How are you?"

You: "My aunt just got swallowed whole by an octopus, my brother was shoved all of the way into a tuba, My lobster turned purple, and when I put toothpaste on a light bulb this morning, it made me sick. How are you?"

Socialite: " WELL. LET ME TELL YOU. I have had the most TERRIBLE day. I dropped my can of soda at lunch. Isn't that just AWFUL!?"

You;  "why don't you tell me all about it."

Socialite:  "BLAHMEBLAHBLAHONE-SIDEDCONVERSATIONBLAHMEBLAHMEBLAH

*2 Hours Later*

BLAHBLAHBLAH...well I gotta go! Nice talking to ya!"

This is the why the "how are you?" should be abolished from society as a conversation starter. It should only be used by the few people who genuinely care about others. for everyone else, the statement is purely self-centered. It should be replaced with conversation starters that aren't questions, and get right to the point. 

Like this:

Trombonist: "I would like it very much if you gave me a piece of gum that I know you have because I saw you give some to the person next to you, and I understand if you do not want to give it to me."
Gum Chewer: "Sure, you can have some."

instead of this:

Trombonist: "How are you? I want some gum and I know you have some."
Gum Chewer: "Good, how are you? Did she see me give that guy gum?"
Trombonist: "I'm good, but I'm kinda hankering for something chewy. Let's see if he'll catch on"
Gum Chewer: "Oh. Drat. She did."
Trombonist: " I wish you would just offer me some. Do you have any gum?"
Gum Chewer: "Well, I do, but I only have one piece left. well, three pieces left."
Trombonist: "Oh, it's OK, I don't need any. Lies. You have three pieces left."

The first may be awkward, but at least it's not fake.

That's my analysis. Based off of it, the socially awkward trombonist response wins. Just respond with "good" and bask in the awkward pause that follows. It will save you from long spiels about the woes of others if you are not in the mood to hear them. But if you genuinely want to hear what someone has to say, then by all means, ask "how are you?" back.

-The Socially Awkward Trombone