Few instruments cause as much damage as the recorder does. Eardrums have been shattered. Houses set on fire. Children embarrassed. A recorder in the wrong hands turns into a weapon.
In many places, the recorder is the instrument learned in elementary school because music teachers don't believe that young students could learn to play anything else.
In many places, the recorder is the instrument learned in elementary school because music teachers don't believe that young students could learn to play anything else.
They might be right.
But some students can't learn the recorder.
Now I know what all you normal people are thinking. You think that anyone with the ability to breathe can play the recorder. Well, congratulations ye with so much talent. Recorder came easy to you. So easy that you have eliminated the possibility of the existence of incompetent recorderers....recorderists? recordists?
To the future socially awkward trombonist, recorder will not come naturally. The recorder mixed with the socially awkward trombone gene is the reason why there is a distinct lack of trombonists in every middle school band. I will explain why.
Awkwardness issues in elementary school are widely undetected due to the young age of students and their tendencies to say extremely outrageous things. This makes it difficult for teachers to pick out future trombonists to help through the difficulties of learning the recorder.
The other feature that comes with the trombonist gene is the ability to blow large quantities of hot air without restraint.
The first day the elementary schooler picks up the recorder is an exciting one. Who wouldn't be excited about getting to play an extremely loud and irritating piece of plastic in school?
The excitement quickly evaporates when the teacher explains that there are rules to the recorder. It will not be a free for all. Students will have to learn songs as a class. They will also be expected to practice.
The teacher then proceeds to describe what seems to be everything. How notes are read. How the instrument is held. What a "squeak" is. That the recorder is an instrument and not a lightsaber or any variation on a weapon. During this important overview, the the future trombonist is happily picking a booger while imagining a recorder sword fight. The future bass trombonist is ingesting glue stolen from a previous class, but let's just be happy it's glue and not yet alcohol or large quantities ofDr. Pepper sugary drinks.
After this overview, the children in music class are encouraged to pick up their recorder and- oh wait, Billy has not yet bought a recorder (because he will be a trombonist some day) and must borrow a nasty tasting one that has been sitting in a bucket of disinfectant its entire life.
Now the students may place the recorder in their mouths and hold their fingers over the correct holes. On three, every student will play the same note and then stop when the teacherscreams at everyone waves.
One
Two
Th-BBRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
And the first note of the year has been played. The children are looking quite pleased with themselves. At the end of class, the students are told to practice at home so they can get better. Except Billy. He still has no recorder and will probably taste disinfectant at every music class for a year before remembering to buy his own. But lets be real here. Disinfectant has alcohol. If Billy had a chance of a normal life, it's gone. Billy's future will be as a professionally wasted bass trombonist.
As the school year continues, the students reach the point in their short lived musical careers when they can play a song as a class. At first, the song is barely recognizable, but becomes clearer with every music class. However, a great number of squeaks still plague the ensemble.
Future Trombonist (FT): "Man, that person who keeps squeaking sure is a dweeb. Who actually squeaks on a recorder? It's the easiest thing ever. Check this out."
Future trombonist uses nose to play recorder. Then plays Hot Cross Buns very poorly.
The children find the nose display funny, but only laughter is heard. No conversation is struck up with the soon to be social outcast.
A few weeks later and the squeak is still there, masked among the performers.
FT: "Seriously. That squeaker is worse than a mouse. You guys stink!"
It is only 3 weeks from the end of the school year when the future trombonist realizes that the squeak is not the fault of anyone else. The FT has been causing it all along, and now comes to the realization that recorder is not easy. All of that hot and fast air is negatively impacting the sound of the recorder. No one ever explained how to keep it from squeaking, and now there is no hope at musical success.
This all leads to an embarrassing and awkward moment of reckoning for the future trombonist.
The future trombonist is forced to reconcile with the fact that playing the recorder (aka "the easiest instrument in the world) is going to be impossible.
But who really cares? It's not like the trombonist learned anything about the recorder. Really all the FT did was watch everyone else's fingers to see what was supposed to happen. Notes and rhythms were never learned because the FT was too busy with booger picking.
But future trombonists don't know this. They didn't even know that they weren't paying attention. These young people may never pick up the trombone because they are led to believe that if they can't play an instrument as easy as the recorder, then they can't play any instrument at all. It is only the really delusional ones that decide to continue music, and this is what ends up populating middle school trombone sections.
Most of the students who would have picked up the trombone quit music before they get the chance to try one out.
Somehow there are still a few kids that go on to play trombone. Even after every indication of their musical ability says that they are incapable of music, they persevere. But just think, if the recorder didn't discourage future trombonists, we would have waaaaaaay more of them.
That's what every music teacher wants. Right? conspiracies.
THE END
Disclaimer: Sometimes when played professionally, the recorder can be considered relevant and maybe even pretty sounding. It's just that I have yet to hear or see (ew) good things come out of the $10 recorder of a 9 year old. Also, I still can't play the recorder and refuse to ever pick up the instrument again unless Bob Hallett is willing to give me lessons. And technically, I don't even think Bob plays recorder, but if he did, it would be tolerable sounding.
I think I'll stick with bass bone and my Dr. Pepper addiction. Which reminds me. The next post will examine the possibility that maybe not all bass trombonists are drunken lunatics. Doesn't sound too promising though...
p.s. The Art of Bass Trombone is live. Click the tab.
-The Socially Awkward Trombone
Now I know what all you normal people are thinking. You think that anyone with the ability to breathe can play the recorder. Well, congratulations ye with so much talent. Recorder came easy to you. So easy that you have eliminated the possibility of the existence of incompetent recorderers....recorderists? recordists?
To the future socially awkward trombonist, recorder will not come naturally. The recorder mixed with the socially awkward trombone gene is the reason why there is a distinct lack of trombonists in every middle school band. I will explain why.
Awkwardness issues in elementary school are widely undetected due to the young age of students and their tendencies to say extremely outrageous things. This makes it difficult for teachers to pick out future trombonists to help through the difficulties of learning the recorder.
The other feature that comes with the trombonist gene is the ability to blow large quantities of hot air without restraint.
The first day the elementary schooler picks up the recorder is an exciting one. Who wouldn't be excited about getting to play an extremely loud and irritating piece of plastic in school?
The excitement quickly evaporates when the teacher explains that there are rules to the recorder. It will not be a free for all. Students will have to learn songs as a class. They will also be expected to practice.
The teacher then proceeds to describe what seems to be everything. How notes are read. How the instrument is held. What a "squeak" is. That the recorder is an instrument and not a lightsaber or any variation on a weapon. During this important overview, the the future trombonist is happily picking a booger while imagining a recorder sword fight. The future bass trombonist is ingesting glue stolen from a previous class, but let's just be happy it's glue and not yet alcohol or large quantities of
After this overview, the children in music class are encouraged to pick up their recorder and- oh wait, Billy has not yet bought a recorder (because he will be a trombonist some day) and must borrow a nasty tasting one that has been sitting in a bucket of disinfectant its entire life.
Now the students may place the recorder in their mouths and hold their fingers over the correct holes. On three, every student will play the same note and then stop when the teacher
One
Two
Th-BBRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
And the first note of the year has been played. The children are looking quite pleased with themselves. At the end of class, the students are told to practice at home so they can get better. Except Billy. He still has no recorder and will probably taste disinfectant at every music class for a year before remembering to buy his own. But lets be real here. Disinfectant has alcohol. If Billy had a chance of a normal life, it's gone. Billy's future will be as a professionally wasted bass trombonist.
As the school year continues, the students reach the point in their short lived musical careers when they can play a song as a class. At first, the song is barely recognizable, but becomes clearer with every music class. However, a great number of squeaks still plague the ensemble.
Future Trombonist (FT): "Man, that person who keeps squeaking sure is a dweeb. Who actually squeaks on a recorder? It's the easiest thing ever. Check this out."
Future trombonist uses nose to play recorder. Then plays Hot Cross Buns very poorly.
The children find the nose display funny, but only laughter is heard. No conversation is struck up with the soon to be social outcast.
A few weeks later and the squeak is still there, masked among the performers.
FT: "Seriously. That squeaker is worse than a mouse. You guys stink!"
It is only 3 weeks from the end of the school year when the future trombonist realizes that the squeak is not the fault of anyone else. The FT has been causing it all along, and now comes to the realization that recorder is not easy. All of that hot and fast air is negatively impacting the sound of the recorder. No one ever explained how to keep it from squeaking, and now there is no hope at musical success.
This all leads to an embarrassing and awkward moment of reckoning for the future trombonist.
The future trombonist is forced to reconcile with the fact that playing the recorder (aka "the easiest instrument in the world) is going to be impossible.
But who really cares? It's not like the trombonist learned anything about the recorder. Really all the FT did was watch everyone else's fingers to see what was supposed to happen. Notes and rhythms were never learned because the FT was too busy with booger picking.
But future trombonists don't know this. They didn't even know that they weren't paying attention. These young people may never pick up the trombone because they are led to believe that if they can't play an instrument as easy as the recorder, then they can't play any instrument at all. It is only the really delusional ones that decide to continue music, and this is what ends up populating middle school trombone sections.
Most of the students who would have picked up the trombone quit music before they get the chance to try one out.
Somehow there are still a few kids that go on to play trombone. Even after every indication of their musical ability says that they are incapable of music, they persevere. But just think, if the recorder didn't discourage future trombonists, we would have waaaaaaay more of them.
That's what every music teacher wants. Right? conspiracies.
THE END
Disclaimer: Sometimes when played professionally, the recorder can be considered relevant and maybe even pretty sounding. It's just that I have yet to hear or see (ew) good things come out of the $10 recorder of a 9 year old. Also, I still can't play the recorder and refuse to ever pick up the instrument again unless Bob Hallett is willing to give me lessons. And technically, I don't even think Bob plays recorder, but if he did, it would be tolerable sounding.
I think I'll stick with bass bone and my Dr. Pepper addiction. Which reminds me. The next post will examine the possibility that maybe not all bass trombonists are drunken lunatics. Doesn't sound too promising though...
p.s. The Art of Bass Trombone is live. Click the tab.
-The Socially Awkward Trombone
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