You are Such a Dumb

There has been a new development in my research. You have heard me repeat many times that bass trombonists are notorious for being drunken creatures with a fondness of stupidity. It seems that I may have been wrong.

(BUT NOT ENTIRELY WRONG)

Having only switched over to bass bone in the past year and a half, I thought maybe it would take a while for the bass trombone mentality to set in. I waited patiently for my creature to take control of me and force me to drink copious amounts of alcohol before, during, and after every playing session (My fondness towards stupidity cultivated when I picked the trombone. See Soap is NOT Funny).

Alas! this did not happen.

I waited and waited with apprehension for the day when I would no longer get to experience playing the bass trombone sober.

I waited
                     
                                                        and waited
                                           
                                                                                                                               and waited

                           and waited                              and played with my toy Land Rover

                                                                                and waited


and I did not develop a taste for large quantities of alcohol. So I thought that something must be wrong.

My confusion was not for naught (hehe. not for naught). Bass trombonists just seem to talk as if they are always under the influence. You know, slurred words and trouble constructing sentences.

It was after one of my practice sessions that I noticed a change.

My friends laughed at me more. I said crazy things and began using incorrect grammar (Most notably "You are SUCH a dumb!). I began turning certain words plural when they should have been singular. The word lettuce became "a lettuces".

This change snuck up gradually and I never noticed it because I was spending all of my time waiting for my alcoholic monster to take over.

The monster did not take over. I mean, I'm still indulging a Dr. Pepper addiction in my quest to be the stereotypical obese trombonist...OK not really. That's just how I rationalize. I'm trying to quit a little bit. but not really.

The point I'm trying to make is, I'M NOT A DRUNK.

But why do I experience the symptoms?

Do you want to know why?
You don't wanna know.
You wanna know why?
You don't wanna know.
You wanna know why?

Because bass trombone makes you STUPID.

That's right. Stupid.

Symptoms last for different amounts of time depending on how long the musician played the bass trombone. Usually, the amount of time spent in the state of stupidity corresponds with how much time the instrument was played. Basically if you play for an hour, you will sound like an idiot for an hour.

Occasionally there are exceptions. Bass trombonists who have "no chops" are frequently referred to as 'lightweights". If they play for an hour, they sound stupid for 2 hours.

All of this is very scientifical.

Combine these symptoms with a bass trombonist who drinks when not playing, and you get someone who always sounds drunk. Scary.

So now the bass trombonist who was socially awkward to begin with is experiencing bouts of stupidity. It's one thing to introduce awkward sentences  in the presence of normal people, but it's another to say awkward things while appearing to be drunk.

But perhaps the perceived drunken state is more acceptable to the public than just being socially awkward. At least there is an excuse for the inappropriate comments.

The world may never know.

Here is a conversation between a normal person and a bass trombonist who has just finished playing.

Person: "Oh hello. How are you?"
Bass Trombonist: "Good."
Person: "That's great. What have you been up to lately?"
Bass Trombonist: "Caiman Lizards sometimes wear pants."
Person: "Oh really...um. Well,"
Bass Trombonist: "Strawberry are a things. Rhythm stick hit you. A galaxy are funny."
Person: Runs away screaming
Bass Trombonist: "TIDAL SNEEZE TAX!!!!!!!!!!" breaks down into tears.


No matter how hard the bass trombonist tries, the words "nothing much" are impossible to force out. 


So I beg my little audience to please be kind to the bass trombonists that may or may not be drunk. It's a hard life we live and stupidity is the price we pay for our "art". 


-The Socially Awkward Trombone