Raffles and Morbidity Conferences

In this world, there are quite a few awkward locations and situations that the bourgeois do not want to find themselves in (see, I CAN use big words).


For example,

• Having to attend a circus show with someone who spins signs for a living and thinks they could be a better tightrope walker than the performers. 
• Standing in a room with the largest piece of domino art ever and trying to control your recent uprising of leg spasms. One misplaced kick...
• Getting to a Lamaze party and expecting drinks 'cause you're a dude and don't know what a Lamaze is. Then being disappointed. Lamaze does not mean "get drunk and run through a corn maze". (also, Lamaze party? what?) 
• Accidentally chopping off multiple appendages while in the library. There's no screaming in the library.
• Becoming captain of the "blood vessel" and then realizing your doctor was only joking. You aren't really getting a ship. You're just not going to be able to see for a few days.
• Having to speak at a trombone conference and an amateur astronomers convention in the same week when you know nothing about either subject.

These are all situations and locations that most individuals would find uncomfortable.  

BUT WAIT!

None of those include potty humor.

That's because I always save the best for later. 

Here's the scenario:

You are a trombonist sitting in a small auditorium. This particular auditorium does not have many people in it. You have no reason to be there except you needed to drive an interested party to this auditorium for a talk and are now waiting on said party to leave the auditorium. 

But it's not over. And you just missed your chance to excuse yourself to the lobby that contains a place to watch Doctor Who undisturbed. 

A person who works at the auditorium wheels in a cart with stuff on it. Stuff that makes no sense to you.

The room falls quiet.

It's a raffle you never entered and now must sit through. There are a bunch of items up on that stage. You realize that you are happy you never entered the raffle.

The person who wheeled the cart in is now reading out numbers and audience members are coming up to claim their raffle prizes. 

2283845 just won something that looked like a moldy sandwich.

2283870 has been called six times....about to pull another number when "OH WAIT! You said 70?! That's me." rings across the audience.

At this point you are noticing some bodily discomfort.

2283859 won a blobfish.

This is more than some discomfort, and they're really moving through these numbers fast. 

2238312 won salami candle wax.

You need to excuse yourself to the bathroom and are about to do so. Suddenly you stop. If you get up, someone is going to think you won an item. If someone thinks you won an item, you will have to explain that you are just going to the bathroom in front of the entire auditorium. The conversation has the potential to go something like this. 

you (trombonist) stand up

Raffler: "Congratulations!"

Trombonist: "Wha? Oh no. Im- bathroom."

Raffler: "Come on. Just get your prize. It's not as bad as it looks. I swear it's just brown frosting." 

Trombonist: "But I didn't-"

Raffler: "Didn't enter? Nice try."

Trombonist: "I didn't. I'm just getting up to-"

Raffler: "To come get your prize. Don't be shy. Just come on up h-"

Trombonist: "I WAS JUST GETTING UP TO POOP OKAY!?"

End scenario.

Ha! Bet that's something you never contemplated before. What does a person do to get out of a raffle without drawing attention to themselves?

Here are some brilliant solutions for if you ever find yourself in this kind of a pickle.

Solution 1: See above scenario.

Solution 2: Either try to make it until the end of the raffle or just poop yourself then and there. That'll show 'em.

Solution 3 WARNING: REQUIRES EXTREME SKILL If trombonist, do not attempt:
 Quickly dive to the floor. Slink your way under the seats without touching the legs of people sitting in the seats because touching people you don't know is awkward. Work your way uphill to the back door of the auditorium. There will be a moment between the seats and the door when you are exposed. It is your job to make the quickest dash possible for the door without looking like you're a criminal who just stole something. If you hear angry shouting as the door closes behind you, forego the bathroom and find a place to hide from the police. If you hear a small noise like someone trying to ask if you won the raffle, just go potty.

Solution 4: Stand up and then pretend to pass out. Assuming you are not at a "Convention of Morbidity" raffle, someone will call an ambulance. At that point you can request a bedpan or just go anyway. No one will judge you. You just passed out after all.

Solution 5: Stand up with your trombone. You will look so awkward that everyone will try not to look at you. Bask in the silence a moment and then leave. No one will say a word.

So now you know how to handle the awkward raffle situation.

Also, the new page is still under construction. "The Art of Bass Trombone".

Also, sometimes I leave this on while I write.
http://breadfish.de/
You should click the link. It's life changing.

-The Socially Awkward Trombone