Get Ready/Power Rangers

Get ready everybody. There will be a guest post from Lizzie McMizzie in 3 days.

THREE.

DAYS.

2/21/12

Instead of your usual scheduled programming, she will be taking over for me here, and I will be taking over for her on Wanderingwrites.com.

It's gonna be special.

Until then, here is a quick post on trombonists and their awkward childish love of all things Power Rangers.

Power Ranger Trombonists

Power Rangers was a very popular children's show in the 90's. For some reason, it caught on with trombonists and future trombonists.

The older trombonists were introduced to it by their students, and it quickly became an obsession.

Other trombonists were introduced to the Power Rangers as children, outgrew the show, and rediscovered it when they decided to play the trombone.

Today, Power Rangers are not as prominent in society, but the Rangers' series is still being produced, and the trombonists make up over half of the demographic of viewers. 

What started as a harmless antic of dressing up as Power Rangers for Halloween has turned into a full-fledged awkward nightmare. When they aren't practicing or throwing back copious amounts of alcohol, many trombonists spend their time in their mothers' basement. It is there that these unfortunate forty-something year-old's dress up as their favorite Rangers and watch reruns of the old show.

Trombonists take every opportunity to wear Power Ranger costumes. The minute trombonists return from rehearsals that require them to wear decent attire, they run into their parents houses yelling "It's morphin' time!" and proceed to change in front of whoever is at the house. Unfortunately, this has caused the parents of many trombonists to stop inviting people over due to the awkward situations that arise from bosses seeing the son of an employee stark naked.

Now although trombonists are awkward, they do hang out with other trombonists. This becomes incredibly true when it comes to Power Rangers. I can't tell you how many Power Ranger play dates occur each week among trombone sections.

Most trombone sections meet as many times outside rehearsal that they can. Conductors think that during these times the trombonists run through excerpts as loud and as obnoxiously as possible, but in reality, they spend this time romping through basements and wooded areas taking down imaginary Megazords.

So there you have it. A secret view into the private lives of trombonists. Some musicians enjoy playing golf, some enjoy doing athletics.  Trombonists like dress-up and make-believe.

Now if you'll excuse me,

It's morhpin' time.

-The Socially Awkward Trombone

Soda Policies

I think it's time we returned to the discussion of social etiquette on this blog. Sometimes I wonder if I have been failing the few socially inept trombonists who stumble across this site in complete desperation.

Then I stop wondering because I know the answer.

Yes. I am failing them.

Sorry.

Trombonist: "I am sick and tired of being a social outcast. It's such a difficult trait to fix. Maybe Google can help." Types "trombone how to stop being socially awkward" into Google. 
Upon seeing one result, the trombonist excitedly clicks the link to a blog called SOCIALLY AWKWARD TROMBONE.
Trombonist: "Hmmm, all this is telling me is that I'm doomed to a life of social awkwardness as a result of my picking the trombone... at least...I think that's what it says. I can't actually read. NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

I apologize for my lack of helpfulness as a writer and for all of the educators who were never able to keep your attention long enough to teach you to read.

This is (By the way, you have been told numerous times that trombonists are illiterate. If you are wondering how a trombonist manages to write this blog, I can tell you that this particular trombonist has magical penguins and toy Land Rovers. Magical penguins and toy cars are the secret to literacy...Good luck finding a magical penguin. I purchased the only two existing ones straight out of my imagination. They can fly.) a really long parenthesis.

I want to bring everybody's attention to the difficulties of drink machines.

These machines were built for convenience. Walk up to the machine. Place your cup under the ice dispenser and fill it with ice. Move to the left or the right and fill the cup of ice with the drink of your choice.

Seems simple right?

Maybe. It depends on your personality.

Personality 1
I'm going to blissfully get my drink from this machine. It does not occur to me that there could possibly be someone behind me. I think I'll get a Diet Co- no wait. Fake out. I want a Spri- no. Root beer. I want Root beer. I think I'll stand in a way that completely blocks the machine while I get my drink because I am oblivious. This drink lever kind of looks like a butterfly. Or perhaps a seagull. I wonder how they put the bubbles in my drink.
This decision takes only a couple of seconds, but personality 1 has moved from the left to the right and back to the left of the drink machine. This makes it awkward for the person behind Personality 1 who has now tried to access the ice machine 3 times but has been blocked. 


It's very hard to be mad at Personality 1. You'd have to be a total jerk. Usually, Personality 1's are children, or really nice people.


Personality 2
I'm going to race to the drink machine and cut you off. Why? Because my 3 seconds of time are worth more than yours. I will then throw my arms around the machine and hug it for an indefinite amount of time just to make you mad. If this results in every drink being released, so be it. Now that I'm done hugging it, I'm going to make a drink that is comprised of every soda that comes out of this machine.

Personality 2 thinks themselves the most important person in the world and does not give a crap that anyone may be waiting on them.


Personality 3
I'm skipping the ice because there's someone behind me waiting. I would like Sunkist, but there's so much foam in it that actually filling my cup would take 30 whole seconds. And there's someone behind me. I'll just get the drink on the very end of the machine even though I don't like it because there's someone waiting behind me. Did I mention there's someone behind me? I hope I'm not taking too long. They seem to be waiting on me. They can get ice now. It's not going to bother me. They must not like standing next to people which means that despite my efforts to get out of the way I will need to leave before they can serve themselves. AHHHHH the cup's only half full but I 'm leaving anyway because I'm being inconsiderate to the  PERSON BEHIND ME.

The only way that Personality 3 can get a drink they actually like is if there is NO ONE behind them.

What makes the drink machine awkward is that no one knows when it is OK to actually get a drink. If you are waiting behind someone and the drink you want is on the opposite side of the drink they are getting, is it OK to use the machine at the same time? Or will they think that rude? We need rules in place for this. There are etiquette protocols for dumber things than soda...I think.

It is highly likely no one reading this has ever considered the drink machine a place of social awkwardness. Congratulations Personality 1. From now on the drink machine will torment you.

There are a couple of ways to combat the social awkwardness of the drink machine lines. Stationing a security guard to direct things has been eliminated as an idea. This is not an important topic.

Option 1: Bring your own drink.
I do this because its cheaper, I stay out of the way of people, and it is rare that a drink machine gets the Dr. Pepper syrup mixture right.

Option 2: Die of thirst
Pretty self-explanatory.

Option 3: Brave the awkwardness.
Alright Personality 2. I am judging you.

Option 4 (for trombonists): Go to the machine and act like your normal selves.
Life is always awkward for a trombonist. Chances are you won't even realize anything awkward is going on because you live in an environment of awkward on a daily basis. To the bass trombonists: why are you at the drink machine? There is no alcohol here.

So to my trombonist friends, don't worry about it. For once in your life, you are predisposed to succeed. Reading this has also been a massive waste of time.

To the others reading this blog, I am sorry if I just made you aware of being a jerk at the drink machine.

Last thing,
Be it known to all that I will be partnering up with a long time friend of mine (who is the blogger at wanderingwrites.com) at the end of February for one day. We will be doing guest posts on each others' blogs. It should be quite entertaining.

-The Socially Awkward Trombone

Vivaldi

This was too good not to share.

-The Socially Awkward Trombone

Spit happens

The trombone is not glamorous. It's a great hulking piece of metal that tends to produce unflattering sounds. Usually, the trombone is pushed to the back of the orchestra, but we have yet to figure out if this is due to the musician or the instrument itself.

A few weeks ago I participated in a performance of Dona Nobis Pacem. This particular performance combined both the UNCSO and the Carolina Choir. The poor choir was forced to stand behind the percussion and low brass.

Now in my experience, choir members know next to nothing about brass players. It's not their fault. They mean well, but unfortunately, every instrument foreign to them (which is all instruments) must be a trumpet.

Choir Kid (CK): "Oh! Is that a trumpet you're holding?"

Band Kid (BK): "No. It's a tuba." 

CK: "Is that a trumpet?"

BK: No. That's a trombone."

CK: "Is THAT a trumpet?"

BK: "My lunch? No. That is a sandwich. Not an instrument."

CK: "What about that?"

BK: "Trumpet. Thanks for trying to be friendly, but just go back to your choir. Here's a lozenge.

Now, out of a group of choir members, only about 10 percent will be brave enough to talk to the instrumentalists like in the conversation above. The rest seem to think that we are a group of savage beasts that will kill anyone on sight. Maybe the percussionists are, but the trombones are just socially awkward. Social initiations towards a trombonist are met with what is often interpreted as a glare, but really it's a bewildered blank look like a deer in headlights. That's what trombonists are. Deer in headlights that don't know how to respond.

Appearance To Chorus Members Vs. Reality.

Perhaps there are other reasons than unapproachability contributing to the avoidance of trombonists. It is my personal belief that hygiene is a huge factor.

Brass instruments are breeding grounds for bacteria. All sorts of nasty gets stuck inside a trombone. Bits of food, soda, and coffee are not uncommon finds in a horn that is rarely cleaned. The combination of these substances can make a horrendous smell come from the horn. A smell such as this drives many people away.

The smell of the trombonist must also be taken into account. More often than not, boy trombonists do NOT know how to properly bathe. This leads to an even worse smell when the trombonist is combined with his instrument. However, it should be known that girl trombone players, such as myself, do not tend to have personal hygiene problems and are, in general, extremely good looking (see the blogger profile picture).

But no matter the gender, most trombonists do not properly care for their horns. This causes social embarrassment and shunning from everyone. Not just chorus members. The difference with chorus members is just that they don't always know to avoid a trombonist when they first encounter one.

I noticed something else when I participated in that combined rehearsal. The chorus members became increasingly more disgusted with our water keys (A.K.A spit valves).

Understand that the spit valve is a source of great fun for trombonists (and the occasional tuba player). Nothing is more satisfying than holding the trombone high in the air and releasing the valve in a way that allows the spit to make the biggest "splat" possible. Many competitions have been held. Achieving the "splat"
truly is an art form.

I've seen tuba players play a different game...

Tuba 1 (T1): "OK. I'm gonna release this valve and we're going to see who can "pee" the longest."
Tuba 2 (T2): "Ready, Set....GO!"
The tubists hold the instrument between their legs and release the valve. The spit falls to the floor in a steady stream. 
T1: "Dang! You beat me."
T2: "That's because I poured water down my horn before we started."
T1: "Ha! good one. Got any more? We should put it down that trombone sitting on the chair."

But what probably disturbed the chorus members the most was that no matter how many times we explained that it's "just condensation", they couldn't get over the fact that some of our "condensation" (it's totally spit) was brownish-green.

I'm sure my middle school band director would have horrified them more had they heard his plan to keep a cup full of the entire bands spit for one unlucky person to drink when they forgot their music on a stand.

Basically, the idea to combine a choir and orchestra is wonderful in theory. There is no denying that the sound is unparalleled (when the orchestra isn't too loud). It just is not fair to the chorus member to have to watch what goes on in the back row. They can't handle it. And to be frank, the trombonists can't handle the gagging noises coming from behind. Let's put the chorus up front. They'll appreciate it for multiple reasons. Partly because they don't have to watch the trombones, and partly because as singers, they like having the spotlight.

Maybe we could clean our horns better. Maybe we could clean OURSELVES better. But one thing is for sure. Spit happens. Nothing can be done about it.

And to return to my opening statement. So what if the trombone's a great hulking piece of metal. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang was too, and look how it turned out. Fantasmagorical.

-The Socially Awkward Trombone

Neglected

Everybody knows Beethoven's 5th symphony. Everybody. It is possible that some do not know it by name, but the "dun dun dun duuuuuuun" is instantly recognizable.

There are even jokes about the 5th. 

What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?

Ba-na-na naaaaa!

If a piece of music written in 1804 can be referenced in today's fast-paced, pop-music centered world, it must be pretty significant.

So guess what!? The UNC symphony orchestra has decided to play it our next concert. It's gonna be great, everyone's excited about it, it will probably generate a lot of revenue, the trombones don't play until the last movement...wait. What?

Let me tell you how Monday's rehearsal went.

First, the orchestra ran through Dona Nobis Pacem. It had a few tacet movements, but there were some good brass parts to make up for it. Cant complain. It's pretty typical of orchestral works. Especially when they include chorus.

It was then time for the Beethoven, and the trombones assumed the position. Our principal trombone pulled out his new iPhone and looked at God knows what. Our second began pretending to read a book for class (let's be real here, everyone knows that trombonists can't read). The bass trombonist (me) began wildly scribbling words on a sheet of paper with her eyes closed for her script writing class (this process is known as "outlining" to a bass trombonist). Our trombones laid sad and neglected on the floor with spit pooling around the mouthpieces.

The first movement turned into the second, the second to the third, and the third to the fourth when suddenly, two bars into the fourth movement, everything came to a crashing halt. The trumpets burst into fits of giggles and the conductor looked at us with a face that said "I'm not surprised. This is kind of funny but I don't want to encourage you so I'll try to put on a mad face instead of a happy one". We had missed our entrance. Quickly, we picked up our poor neglected and freezing trombones, and the fourth movement was started again. We bumbled our way through the fourth movement, and rehearsal ended with everyone knowing that the trombones had missed their entrance. Awkward.

The conductors reaction brings to mind a quote by the famous Richard Strauss.

"Never look at the trombones, you'll only encourage them."

How right he was. I just wish that he hadn't shared that quote with anyone. It seems that every conductor has taken this quote and adopted it as a personal philosophy. Now the trombones sit in the back row, and hope that SOMEONE will look at us with an approving glance.

Actually, I think social awkwardness in the trombone section could probably be blamed completely on Strauss. Of course trombonist are awkward. they've been treated as if they don't exist for their entire lives. Do you have any idea what that does to one's social skills? It's makes them a complete and utter disaster.

This is what I like to call the Strauss effect.

So you see? Maybe the trombonists were born with a hidden awkward gene, but it probably wouldn't have been activated if it weren't for Strauss. He knew that if he gave the trombones an approving look that they would take it as a cue to play louder and crazier than ever. As a result, he made generations of trombone players have conversations like this:

T1: If you bought a blue pBone and I bought a yellow pBone, would that make a green pBone?

T2: I think so. Yeah.

T1: Sweet! Green is a booger color!

So all of you conductors out there be mindful. You could be contributing to this horrible wrongdoing. 

Oh, and who needs wall street protests. Here's a new movement from the perpetually neglected society of trombonists. 

-The Socially Awkward Trombone

A Guide to Socially Awkward Chicken

In this blog, I would like to start by examining a text that I received the other day from a good friend of mine. It illustrated a perfectly wonderful socially awkward situation that he had just experienced.

It read:

"Socially awkward: having a vegan coming up to you at lunch asking for signatures to get more vegan food on campus when you have a mouth full of Chick-fil-a and half a chicken on your plate." 

Now I don't know how my friend handled this situation, but I know him well enough to assume that he was very polite and nice to this vegan. He probably signed the petition and then asked the vegan about his/her cause even though it probably did not interest him in the slightest (Oh, and to the friend who sent me this text: Am I right? Or am I right?). 

That is not how a trombonist would have or should handle a situation like this. Trombonists should avoid as much social interaction as possible. Basically, just try not to speak. If a trombonist was chewing a Chick-fil-a sandwich with a large chicken on his plate and was approached by a vegan petitioner the following guide would be necessary.

A Guide to Dealing With Vegan Petitioners When You Are Eating Meat

(specific right?)

Step 1. Stare at the vegan unblinkingly for exactly 27 seconds. Just don't stare right into the eyes. It's much better if you look just over the shoulder or above the forehead. 

Step 2. Then, without breaking eye contact (or the trombone equivalent of almost staring into the eyes), slowly lift the entire chicken to your mouth and take a large bite.

Step 3. Leave the chicken in your mouth, but return your hands to your sides.

The vegan will leave. You just made him/her quite uncomfortable without saying a word. Maybe it is not something to be proud of, but a trombonist must learn to embrace the fact that there is probably no hope of making through a situation like this. Having the petitioner walk away probably causes the fewest problems. 

Let us imagine for a moment that the trombonist engaged in conversation. 

Vegan (V): "Hello. I am passing around a petition that will ask the university cafeteria to serve more vegan food. Would you mind signing it?"

Trombonist (T): "I can't write."

V: "Oh. Well. Um. OK. That's fine I guess... how do you get into a university without being able to write?"

T: "You want some chicken?"

V: "No thank you, I'm vegan."

T: "Oh. OK. Vegan? Does that mean full or something?"

V: "Would you like some tofu?"

T: "No thank you. I'm vegan."

The confusion is never-ending when the mouth of a trombonist is sputtering its usual gibberish. So if you are a trombonist, just remember to refer to steps 1-3 when dealing with vegan petitioners. Do NOT speak. At this point in your life, if you are unable to carry on a socially acceptable conversation, you must seek out other means of dealing with people. This guide is those "other means". Quit trying to be something you're not. You are not a social butterfly, you're a trombonist. 

If you must talk, go hang out with some trombone friends and talk about the history of the spit valve or something. Just make sure you avoid normal people. 

-The Socially Awkward Trombone

The Socially Awkward "How Are You?" Part 2.

Those of you who read my first "Socially Awkward 'How are you?'" post know how much I loathe the phrase "How are you?". It is not a particularly disagreeable phrase, it just serves no purpose. Maybe there was a time when it did serve a purpose, but I doubt it. It is far more likely that the "How are you?" served a porpoise, as it is pretty useless in the English language. For us humans, it remains a small talk starter and conversation filler for those who want to tell you all about themselves.

Porpoises benefit greatly from the serving "How are you?" 

I do not use the phrase because I usually have no interest in your response or telling you about my day. If that sounds rude, it's because it is rude.

Having said this, you should know that I used it today. That's right everyone, Becca Clemens said "How are you?" after bashing it in her first ever blog post.

 I wish I could tell you that I have changed my ways forever. Or that Becca Clemens has joined the ranks of people who repeat socially acceptable phrases on a daily basis. Alas! I cannot. I am a trombonist, and therefore, you can count on me to mess everything up. Do you know what happened when I said "how are you?" today? Do you? I bet you don't.

You probably think that this happened.

Trombonist: "How are you?"
Person: "Great. I woke up this morning and got dressed and BLAHBLAHpicklesBLAHBLAHMr.GoodbarBLAHBLAH! How are you?"
Trombonist: "Good." *Walks away*

While that is a perfectly good example of a socially awkward trombonist conversation using "how are you?", it is not what I experienced.

I saw someone I knew sitting down in the direction I was headed. This person is a nice person that I don't know extremely well, but definitely someone who is nice enough to talk to. As I got closer, he said "Hi" and then I said "Hi" as a response.

And you cannot fathom what happened next.

WE SAID "HOW ARE YOU?" AT THE SAME TIME!

I really don't know what came over me. I guess the sun was in my eyes...

This led to neither of us giving a response and an awkward giggle. Then I continued to walk.

What was I supposed to do? Had I used my usual reply ("good"), I would have been answering my own question. Because we said "How are you?" at THE SAME TIME. THE SAME TIME! I couldn't answer myself could I?

I don't know what made me say the dreaded phrase. Maybe I wanted to appear nice and caring. Whatever the reason, my attempt at socially acceptable etiquette backfired. I would expect nothing less. But this pretty much seals my taboo on "How are you?". I gave it a few tries, and when my ear is not talked off, I have to experience excruciatingly awkward circumstances.

So some advice to the socially awkward trombonists out there:

Don't say "How are you?". Just get to the point. Be as awkward as you like, because the minute you decide to ask it, you will become even more of a social outcast.

-The Socially Awkward Trombone

P.S. Sorry I am so overdue. I feel like such a slacker. Must be the bass trombone. At least I drew a porpoise.