Soap Is NOT Funny

I have another childhood story.

When I was about four years old and living in California, I was a typical little kid. And when I say typical what I really mean is that I wasn't playing the trombone yet. I enjoyed riding my bike, watching the Hunchback of Notre Dame, and shooting dolls out of their houses with the pirate ship cannon. Dad even named the Fischer Price dolls for me. The dad was named Fischer Price, the mom was named Pearl Ofgreat Price, and their baby was named Half Price. The pirates had many victories. Dolls are boring.

Anyway, that shows a little glimpse of my dads type of humor. He's an astrophysicist, so he has to be sophisticated. There was no way in heck that I was going to understand that the doll names were jokes. I just thought dad was giving them typical doll names.

Now MY humor was something totally different. It was far from sophisticated. It was deafening and damaging. Distinct and disturbed. Dramatic and dysfunctional....

NOTHING is funnier to a four-year-old than "poop".

One day I was jumping up and down on my parents' bed. Those of you who knew me as a child know that I was the crazy hyper kid as well the kid that thought she was really funny but wasn't. At all. Basically it shouldn't come as a surprise that I was crazily jumping on my parents' bed.

After about 5 minutes of crazed jumping, my dad walked into the room.

Me: "POOP!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"
Dad: Not laughing
Me: "That was really funny so he must have not heard me. POOOOO-OOOOOOOOP!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Dad: Calmly "Rebecca?"
Me: Still jumping "Yes?"
Dad: "Could you sit down for a moment?"
After a few more champion bounces, I reluctantly sat.
Dad: "Rebecca, can I ask you something?"
Me: "Yes."
Dad: "Why is poop so funny?"
I was stunned. Did he really not know why POOP was funny? It's a hysterical subject because...because...because?
Me: "Well...it just IS daddy. It's really funny."
Dad: "But why? Why is it funny? It's just a word for disgusting things that come out of our bodies."
Me:  giggles.
Dad: "If poop is so funny and it's just a word, why can't something else be funny? Why cant 'soap' be funny?"
Soap? SOAP?! Did he say that? But it's just NOT funny. Again, a good explanation escaped me.
Me: "Because it's just not."
But why couldn't it be? My father had me stumped. It was an excellent point. Why wasn't soap funny? I needed to figure this out.
Dad: "OK, I was just wondering" Walks out of the room.


Now he left me to my own thoughts. I pondered and pondered. I just couldn't figure out why one word was funnier than the other. It has been a puzzle that I have yet to solve.

The end result of this moment with my poop-joke-hating father was that I no longer used poop as a joke. I don't think he knew what this did to me. He probably did not expect a child to actually think for a long time about this life-destroying question he posed, but it ruined me. I locked that kind of humor away and thought that if one day I found the answer to his question I could bring it back out.

From then on, I became more sophisticated in my humor. But I'm not saying it became any more sophisticated than the other four-year-olds. I still thought cartoons were funny, and I still thought my dad was funny (he didn't like poop jokes, but he really did know how to make a kid laugh. I STILL think he's hilarious), and I still enjoyed it when people put shoes on their ears and underwear on their heads. The poop jokes just ended.

My life was lived in this state until it came time to pick a band instrument at age 10. I think my subconscious picked the trombone as revenge. My body had been deprived from potty humor for so long that it was drawn to the instrument that sounds the most like flatulence.

Not only did it sound like flatulence, but all the kids who picked it were the awkward ones who still enjoyed potty humor. I picked the trombone and joined the socially awkward kids. Maybe if I had been allowed to release my potty humor to the world as a child, I would have picked the flute and eventually outgrown band. But alas! I did not, and I blame my father. My father who also happens to be socially awkward. Thanks dad. You ruined me and doomed me to a life of social awkwardness where I must continue to release my suppressed and poopy creativity through trombone. But the joke's on you. You're the one paying for my college degree in trombone performance. The degree that won't allow you to get old because I can't afford a nursing home on a band directors salary. If only you hadn't asked that question...

Maybe I should ask you.

Daddy? Why can't soap be funny?

-The Socially Awkward Trombone

Ages Are Awkward

In some ways, asking someone's age is like asking a fat person when her baby is due... It probably shouldn't be done. Awkwardness will most definitely ensue.

One must be delicate when inquiring another's age. Trombonists are not known for being delicate, so I have decided to create a guide to requesting ages for the average everyday socially awkward trombonist. It will include pictures. 

Between the ages of 0 and about 23, age is not a difficult topic to discuss. It is often "cute". Kids make a big deal about their birthdays and are used to parents proudly shouting "My child is turning 11 today!". Kids also use their age for making excuses.

"I'm 2 years old. Do you really expect me to put my shoes on?"

 After the age of 23 or so, people begin to become ashamed of their aging selves. When prodded for their age, an older person will elude the question with an answer like "Old enough." or "Too old to count". 

The odd thing is that eventually, if a person becomes ancient, age returns to an acceptable topic of discussion. It is suddenly impressive. Those that are 99 years old become quite proud of their age and sometimes even regress to using it to their advantage. 

"I'M 104 YEARS OLD! DO YOU REALLY EXPECT ME TO PUT MY SHOES ON?!!!?!?!?"

Unfortunately, until the 24 year old reaches 99, they spend much of their time trying to look younger. This is why they don't wan't their age exposed. Adults think that if no one knows their age, they may be able to pass off for younger than they are. This is why many adults love getting carded, but let's face it, the cashier knows you're old. You just looked like you were having a bad day...Anyway, age is a tender topic of discussion.

This should help explain things.

How Request Someone's Age Without Being Socially Awkward

0-23 Months

It is very easy to find out the age of a baby. Typically the mom was planning on telling you anyway. All you have to do is say 

"AWWWWW how old is he?"

The parent of the child will give you the age in months. Why? because it's more impressive and they want you to say something like:

 "WOW he is really big and healthy for his age."

Unfortunately, the baby was not a he. Age may not be difficult here, but gender is. Try asking something like

"How old is your baby". 

Keep gender out of it. You never know you've encountered psycho mom until a mistake like that is made.

2-12 Years

This is a tricky age group because it is difficult to tell the difference between a 9 and 12 year old, but it is usually easy to tell that the kid is not a teenager. With this age group, always guess on the high side.  The kids often can be older than they look. Guessing too high will be flattering to them, while guessing too low is a great insult. 

Trombonist: "How old are you? Seven?" 

Kid: "NO! I'm eleven! Why does everyone think I'm little!?!?!"

Smart Person: "How old are you? You must be at least 12?" make sure you're dripping with condescension here. It's fun because the kids have no idea.

Kid: "No." giggles and laughs. "I'm four."

Smart Person: "Wow! you look so much older than that!"

13-17 Years

 

This is the "cool" group. Those who are aged 13 to 17 probably want nothing to do with anyone, but still like people to be impressed with how old they look. This age group requires a little more subtlety than the previous age group because these guys tend to detect condescension. They're teenagers. They live off of condescension and sarcasm. This makes them easy to identify as in the 13-17 age range. Also, look for braces and acne.

If you just ask their age, you will probably receive a shrug as a reply. Skip the age inquiry. You're a trombonist, offer them some beer. A lot of times they will say:

"Woa! I'm only 15. Did you think I was 21?"

Just say yes.

If they try to take the beer, backpedal a little bit and say:

"Wait a second. How old did you say you were?"

They'll be a little flattered before returning to a brooding state, but they will give their age.

18-23 Years

I drew a bear.

This is the group you should probably just leave alone. People who look 18 are often actually 24 years old or older. You don't want to ask a 24 year old their age (see previous statements). Remember, the goal is to be delicate.

It is stupid though. If a 24 year old can still be mistaken for 18, they don't need to be worried about their age. It shows how vain people are. Fortunately, trombonists are too clueless to care about age and wrinkles. Hence this post. I'm looking out for the trombone population. You are now one step closer to being less socially awkward. 

This is a trombone. Not a person. Do NOT try to ask it how old it is. It will not respond. Also, you cannot marry it. It IS socially awkward.

-The Socially Awkward Trombone

Socially Awkward Silences

I would like to address the elephant in the room. You know, that big awkward silence you and I are experiencing right now? Actually, that particular silence is much larger than an elephant. I would prefer an elephant. An elephant would easily break the awkward silence in the room due to its large and rather blundering nature. Not to mention the trumpet it has built into it's nose. Speaking of trumpeting elephants, why do we relate trumpets to elephants and not the trombone? Probably because trumpets are loud and annoying. Like an elephant. Seriously, what is more irritating than an elephant? But I digress.


Because I am an amateur, most of the concerts I have played have required the band to be on stage before any audience members walk in. We use this stage time to warm up.Warming up is different for every section. 


The flutes will practice the least important parts of their music: trills. It is the goal of every flute player to be the center of attention even if they don't have the melody, which means that the trills have to be loud. Really loud.Trumpet players generally try to see who can play the loudest and highest. Why? Either because they want to destroy their lips before the concert or because they need yet another ego boost. The oboe(s) (preferably no "s") will attempt to tune for no apparent reason. The euphoniums make gurgling noises through their instrument because it's fun, and then look around arrogantly. The clarinets don't play their instruments. They do math problems on the their music stands. The tubas try to see how many shoes they can fit into the bell of the biggest tuba while someone plays it. The bassoons chat with each other in Wookiee...or maybe they're just trying to play their instruments. The percussion beat everything in sight as loud as they can. The horns practice off-beats without a metronome. Trombones spray each other with their spray bottles (those things aren't really for slide maintenance). I don't know what the saxes do. I try to ignore their existence. 

Basically, it gets REALLY loud in the auditorium or theater or whatever. 


Usually, when the audience begins trickling in, the band warm-up routine does not stop. In fact, it tends to get louder because the flutes want to hear themselves over the chatter of the crowd. Utter chaos begins, and the audience is happy to sit through the mess until the concert because parents will listen to anything. 


the band gets louder
                      and LOUDER
                             and louder
                         and LOUDER
                             and louder
                         and LOUDER

                            AND THEN SUDDENLY,

silence

A fish could drop and everyone would hear it.

The crowd looks up expectantly, but the conductor does not walk onto the stage. Upon examination of their respective timekeepers, the audience realizes that the show doesn't start for another 7 minutes. Yet the silence lingers and no one is brave enough to break it. 


This puts everyone in an awkward position. The audience is wondering when they can start chatting without appearing rude, and the musicians are hoping that SOMEBODY! LORD! ANYBODY! will begin to continue warming up. 


After about 30 seconds of the most excruciating awkward silence imaginable, a tuba lets out a large BLAT. This brings the grateful band back to it's warm up routine.  


Six minutes and thirty seconds later, the conductor walk onto the stage and starts the band. The concert is wonderful no matter how bad the band plays because everyone is remembering the awkward silence that preceded it. 


So maybe the silence only happens to really bad bands. It's a defense mechanism for a bad concert. It reminds the audience that they could be sitting through the most painful silence in the world if the band stops playing.


By now the reader has noticed that there has not been a conversation in this post yet. I don't want to disappoint, so here is what trombonists talk about during the 45,969,643,223,456,6fj,skfjgusj67ww9fsf4fs5r measures of rest they have at the beginning of every piece they play.


Trombone 1(T1): "Do you think I could fling this booger into the audience from here?"
Snarky Euphonium Player (SEP): "Do you think you could possibly be any more immature?"
Trombone 2(T2): "Dude. Try and hit my mom."
Trombone 3(T3): "No. Go for the sound guy."
T1: "But that seems like such a waste..." looks admiringly at the booger and finally eats it.
SEP: "Ewh."
T2: "Awesome!"
T3: "Was it good?"
T1: "Ehhh. Average."
Tenor sax turns around to remind the trombones that they enter in 2 measures. 
Trombones ignore him because it's fun to make saxes angry. 
Conductor doesn't notice that the trombones did not enter.
Euphonium glares at trombones.
T2: "You think you could find another one for the tenor sax?"
T1: Digs in nose. "Yep."

That concludes this post. I hope it was utterly horrifying.

A few announcements:
1. I got a twitter. SAWKtrombone is the name.
2. Musicians need a side hobby, so I'm testing one out. Model ship building. I don't know why I told you this.

-The Socially Awkward Trombone

What Trombonists Hear

When the 6th grade band director first hands out music, trombonists learn quickly that they don't frequently get the melody or really anything difficult to play. Because of this, they don't feel the need to pay attention when the band director starts teaching the basic rules of reading music. In the mind of a trombone player music is simple; everything can always be louder, correct rhythms are optional and accurate notes are impossible.

Throughout these beginner sessions, the awkward trombonists sit in the back row making spitballs and participating in other activities that tend to be brought on by the inability to sit still. Why listen to boring stuff when none of it applies to them?

 When it's finally time for the band to rehearse, trombonists play their whole notes with questionable accuracy, but no one notices because the whole notes were added in when the composer realized he had forgotten to write the trombone section a part. Not even the band director notices. Poor neglected souls...                              

All of the other students in 6th grade band pay attention. They have to. Not only are they in the front row, but the musical demands on them are high. The melody must be heard at all times and it must be played well. Because of these musical demands, everyone but the trombones learn all about dynamics, rhythms, and sound. And thus, they are prepared for anything.                              

When high school band comes around, trombonists see 8th notes for the first time and don't know what to do. Eventually they come up with a solution known as the "just fake it". It's pretty self-explanatory. Basically, if something is too hard to play, play the "Jaws" theme. Not only does this tactic make them worse musicians, it makes them appear even more socially awkward to everyone in ear shot. The rest of the bandies learn 16th notes and play them admirably.

Unfortunately high school demands a lot more than rhythms and notes, and when the band director begins spitting out words like "legato", the trombones are left wondering why he is talking about French cats living in Spain during band class.

But still they remain unmotivated to learn more about music and are oblivious to the meaning of just about every musical term even through their college and professional careers.

Here are the many awkward ways that trombone players misinterpret rehearsals:

-Trombone players think that espressivo is a delicious caffeinated beverage.

-First day of band:
Band Director: "I am a conductor."
Trombonist: "Our school's budget is so tight we have to hire people off of trains?"

-As far as trombonists know, a reed is a plant that grows near water.


-Director: "TROMBONES! You have slides! USE THEM!!"
Trombonist: "How could he possibly know that we ALL have playgrounds in our backyards?"


-When asked to play piano (the dynamic), trombonists will jump out of their seats, throw down their trombones and begin pounding on the nearest piano.

-Director: "We are going to play a canon."

Trombonist: "Civil war reenactment! YES! Field trip!"

-The term "you are flat" is highly offensive to female trombonists.

-Director: "It's time to play a Carol".

Trombone Section: Stares at Carol in utter confusion. Carol is not a band instrument or type of song. She sits in the third row.

-When a trombone section is asked to "check the key", they pull out their car keys and stare at them for hours trying to figure out what's wrong with them.

-Director: "OK everyone. It's time to play scales"

Trombonist 1: "We're going to weigh ourselves?"

Trombonist 2: "No. Play scales. that means we're going to play a game with scales. Whoever weighs the most wins!"

-Trombonists often wonder why March is the only month that ever gets played. 

-Trombonists know that the "tonic" the band director talks about tastes awful, so they wonder why everyone else seems to like it. In fact, they all seem to hang around the tonic like it's some awesome hang out spot that trombonists never get invited to.

-Director: "This song is in a minor key."

Trombonist 1: "Hey remember when we were minors?"

Trombonist 2; "Of course. Never stopped us from getting alcohol did it?"

-Whenever the director uses the word "beat", trombone players turn to their closest neighbor and begin to furiously beat on them. 

So yeah, trombonists tend to be screw ups. They are neglected too long as beginning band students and grow up to be socially awkward ADD noise makers. But its OK. There are people who exist that do dumber things. The French for example. They think the word "trombone" means "paperclip". Dummies. 

-The Socially Awkward Trombone

The Top 10 WORST Locations to be Holding a Trombone

Maybe these things bother me more than most people, but while I was in Albuquerque with the band this year, I found myself in one of the most socially awkward situations I could ever think of. We were in the New Mexico Lobos basketball stadium for the womens basketball tournament. It was a great game (we won), and the stadium chicken fingers were excellent, but unfortunately after the game I found myself to be in a situation where I needed to use the bathroom.

"Unfortunately? doesn't everyone have to use the bathroom sometimes?" you ask.

Yes indeed. Everyone uses the bathroom and I can proudly say I have no problem using the bathroom. I am quite proficient in the realms of pottying. Public restrooms don't even bother me much, and this stadium bathroom was brand new and sparkly clean. In many ways I am blessed that I am not, as my friend calls it, "pee shy". Meaning that I can go to the restroom if other people are in it.

So no. The problem was not the bathroom.

The problem was the what I had to bring with me to the bathroom. That dastardly thing that brought me to Albuturkey in the first place. The object that is often the center of my life and this blog. Yes my friends,

THE TROMBONE

Trombones and bathrooms don't go together. A trombone is not commonplace in a bathroom (or anywhere else for that matter). It isn't hand sanitizer or toilet paper, and although hot air comes out of it, it can't dry the hands that it did NOT wash. In a public restroom, the trombone is just altogether AWKWARD.  

Walking into a bathroom with a trombone begins with false hope. You think that maybe no one will notice. But upon approaching the door, that hope is crushed. Everyone is staring at you. The weird kid that brings a trombone into the bathroom. You put your head down at the proper trombonist angle and walk quickly towards a stall and avoid eye contact but you can still feel the stares. Once in the bathroom, you are faced with the dilemma of where the trombone should be placed while going about your business. There is the option of holding it the entire time, but that seems dangerous. You finally prop it in the corner where the stall meets the wall. Hopefully it won't tip over. The sound of metal on the floor would be greatly magnified with the bathroom acoustics. 

You leave the bathroom stall, and the stares from the patrons of the potty become unbearable. You can almost hear their thoughts...

How could she have possibly gone to the bathroom with that thing?

What is that? And why is it here?

Yuck! I bet that instrument's covered with germs.

Whatever that thing is, it's not a taco. Therefore, it should not be here. (This person probably has more problems than the trombonist. There's always one.)

Who brings a trombone into a bathroom?

And then suddenly,

"MOMMY! WHY DOES SHE HAVE THAT THING IN HERE!?!?!?!?!?!?"

Oh children. Always ready to say what their parents will not. 

You make your way to the sinks and lay the trombone across 2 of them. The other restroom patrons wait patiently for you to finish washing your hands. They think if they get too close that they could catch the crazy too (except the taco girl. she just goes ahead and washes her hands alongside you). Finally you leave. You soak up a few stares from people watching you come out of the bathroom and run to the bus, thanking God that you don't know anyone in Albuquerque. 

After experiencing the Lobos bathrooms with my horn, I got to thinking about all of the other places where having a trombone would be socially awkward, so I compiled a list for you. Here are the "Top 10 WORST Locations to be Holding a Trombone" for your enjoyment. I have not included bathrooms in this top ten. You already read how awkward it is.

The Top 10 WORST Locations to be Holding a Trombone

10. Iowa: The only thing allowed in Iowa is corn and the occasional Golden Corral.    


9.  A Courtroom: "Guilty of social awkwardness!" Can you imagine a random jury member just holding a trombone through the trial? Or maybe the bailiff?

8.  TV: OK, I understand that it's a paying gig but seriously? Did you see this?

7.  DMV: This place is awkward enough. A trombone would make it unbearable. And there's no way you're getting your licence renewed if you look like a crazy kid with a trombone.


6.  Boot Camp: Physical activity and the trombone aren't friends...

Typical Trombonist

5.  Doctor's Office: Innuendo aside, a doctor's office is a place for healing. Encounters with trombone players tend to be traumatizing.


4.  Bowling Alley: Try bowling while holding a trombone. I bet you'll fall down.


3.  Fancy Parties: Parties are already awkward due to their rigid social rules. Socializing is hard enough to do without holding a trombone. Add the trombone and you're a guaranteed outcast.


2.  A Library: A library is a quiet place. Do you really want to draw laughter from people in a quiet place?


1.  Public: Let's face it. Trombones aren't really socially appropriate in places where they can be seen.

-The Socially Awkward Trombone

The Socially Awkward Musical Mode Creature

This is a post for my musically inclined friends out there. If you don't understand it, fear not. I will be putting up another post in a couple of days that everyone will be able to understand. Actually, if you don't understand this you should be relieved. This topic is reserved for only the most socially awkward. This means that those of you who have not heard of this topic are not the most socially awkward beings on Earth. Clearly the most awkward beings on Earth are...

 Musicians. 

There are times when we musicians have to learn musical terms. Theory classes are notorious for grinding words like "subdominant" and "anacrusis" into our brains. And although trombonists don't understand what is going on half the time (look at our final exam grades. yeesh.), ALL musicians try to come up with easy ways to remember the many terms that are unsuccessfully and maliciously pounded into our skulls by teachers that have the personalities of Voldemort.

To avoid the green death light that shoots out of the eyes of my teachers (fortunately they don't have wands to wield), I have come up with a few ways to remember terms because my memory is the black hole of memories. Some techniques of remembering are more awkward than others, but my favorite involves the 7 musical modes.

As you probably know, the 7 musical modes are

Ionian
Dorian
Phrygian
Lydian
Mixolydian
Aeolian
Locrian

It is best if they are remembered in this order. Unfortunately for many, this is difficult. I have a solution. It's a little awkward.

In high school decided to find one sentence that helped me to remember the modes. I decided to make the first letter of each mode stand for a word in the sentence (there's a term for this, I just don't feel like remembering it) because IDPLMAL was not easy to remember either.

This is what I came up with:

I
Don't
Play
Like
My
Awful
...
wait for it
...
LOCRIAN!

There were two "L"'s in my mnemonic device (I remembered the term). HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER WHICH ONE WAS WHICH!?  The only solution was to find a way to use one of the actual modes that started with "L"

I picked "Locrian"

Fortunately it took me no time at all to figure out what a Locrian was. Obviously it was a living creature, and that creature instantly presented itself to my mind. My awkward trombonist mind. Here's how I depict it by hand...

How could anyone possibly come up with a more awkward creature? I will never look at modes in the same way.

As awkward as the creature is, it is even more awkward explaining it to people. In fact, I never told anyone about my mnemonic device until this year. I don't know why my senior year foresight didn't transfer to college. I should have remembered that I knew putting my Locrian on display would cause the typical social humiliation. After showing it to one person this year I was reminded that unleashing the strange inner workings of my mind was a bad idea.

Friend (F): "I just can't remember the modes and what order they are in! I always get them mixed up!"
Trombonist (T): "Hmm. Can I draw you a unicorn rhino moose to make you feel better?"
F: "No. but I would really like it if you knew a better way to remember this stuff."
T: "Well I have a way...would you...would you like me to show it to you?"
F: "Please! and feel free to draw a unicorn rhino moose."
T: "Well, remember it as "I don't play like my awful locrian.""
F:  Stunned silence. "Really!? That's utterly ridiculous and super awkward!  I'd rather fail than remember that!"
T: "And this is a Locrian" Draws Locrian.
F:  Hysterical laughter that draws the attention of anyone in a 100 foot radius.


I vowed never to tell anyone about it again. Until now...

I have exposed my awkwardness to the internet. To the theorists around the world: please laugh this off and don't blacklist me for musician jobs.

-The Socially Awkward Trombone

The Awkward and Unexpected Meeting

Unexpected meetings are some the most terrifying events for trombone players. Trombonists need time to prepare socially appropriate and engaging topics of conversation, because the ability to use small talk was never bestowed upon them. Generally, the unexpected meetings cause the trombone player to scramble for a conversation starter in the hopes that the conversation will be normal, but the conversation always comes back to topics that no one else wants to talk about.

The scenario and conversation:

A trombonist is walking happily down the street while listening to some Joseph Alessi. A quick glance upward reveals that an acquaintance of the trombonist is about 100 meters away and walking in the opposite direction. It is inevitable that they will pass each other soon. The trombonist waves and says hi, but realizes quickly that the distance between them is too large to have a comfortable conversation. Unfortunately, because the trombonist said "hi", the acquaintance is obliged to say "hi" back (see "The Socially Awkward "How are you?""). This starts an incredibly awkward long distance conversation that ends approximately when an adequate talking distance is finally reached.

80 Meters away
Trombonist(T): "Hi"
Acquaintance(A): "Hi"
70 Meters away
T: "Aren't we...having...uh....lovelyweathertoday?"
A: "It overcast and raining"
60 Meters away
T: "Right. Well, are you looking forward to the weekend?"
A: "It is the weekend."
50 Meters away
T: "Of course it is. How is your pet lobster?"
A: "I don't have a pet lobster."
40 Meters away
T: "Did you know that bagpipes were originally made out of the whole skin of a dead sheep?"
A: "What?"
30 Meters away
T: "Bagpipes. They were made out of dead sheep. Like your dead lobster. Only a sheep."
A: "I told you, I don't have a pet lobster."
20 Meters away
T: "Well yeah, I guess if he's dead..."
A: "I HAVE NEVER OWNED A LOBSTER."
10 Meters away
T: "Must have been someone else."
A: "Must have been."
Comfortable talking distance.
T: Awkward silence and continued walking.
A: Awkward silence and continued walking.


Upon experiencing this situation multiple times, the trombonist will (most of the time) develop a particular defense mechanism. This defense mechanism requires a change in walking posture. While most people walk with their head up and their eyes forward, trombonists learn to walk with their heads down. This technique keeps the trombonist from seeing an acquaintance because the pavement becomes the main focal point. It is incredibly effective because it weeds out the people who are difficult to talk to, and if an acquaintance decides to grab the trombonists attention it is because the acquaintance has something to say to the trombonist. This allows the conversation to run smoothly because the trombonist didn't pick the topic.

Now don't think that trombonists are the only people who have figured this out. Although trombonists have awkward conversations, there are many others who have learned how walk with a lean to avoid social disaster. To illustrate this, I made a diagram.

Understand?

-The Socially Awkward Trombone