Ages Are Awkward

In some ways, asking someone's age is like asking a fat person when her baby is due... It probably shouldn't be done. Awkwardness will most definitely ensue.

One must be delicate when inquiring another's age. Trombonists are not known for being delicate, so I have decided to create a guide to requesting ages for the average everyday socially awkward trombonist. It will include pictures. 

Between the ages of 0 and about 23, age is not a difficult topic to discuss. It is often "cute". Kids make a big deal about their birthdays and are used to parents proudly shouting "My child is turning 11 today!". Kids also use their age for making excuses.

"I'm 2 years old. Do you really expect me to put my shoes on?"

 After the age of 23 or so, people begin to become ashamed of their aging selves. When prodded for their age, an older person will elude the question with an answer like "Old enough." or "Too old to count". 

The odd thing is that eventually, if a person becomes ancient, age returns to an acceptable topic of discussion. It is suddenly impressive. Those that are 99 years old become quite proud of their age and sometimes even regress to using it to their advantage. 

"I'M 104 YEARS OLD! DO YOU REALLY EXPECT ME TO PUT MY SHOES ON?!!!?!?!?"

Unfortunately, until the 24 year old reaches 99, they spend much of their time trying to look younger. This is why they don't wan't their age exposed. Adults think that if no one knows their age, they may be able to pass off for younger than they are. This is why many adults love getting carded, but let's face it, the cashier knows you're old. You just looked like you were having a bad day...Anyway, age is a tender topic of discussion.

This should help explain things.

How Request Someone's Age Without Being Socially Awkward

0-23 Months

It is very easy to find out the age of a baby. Typically the mom was planning on telling you anyway. All you have to do is say 

"AWWWWW how old is he?"

The parent of the child will give you the age in months. Why? because it's more impressive and they want you to say something like:

 "WOW he is really big and healthy for his age."

Unfortunately, the baby was not a he. Age may not be difficult here, but gender is. Try asking something like

"How old is your baby". 

Keep gender out of it. You never know you've encountered psycho mom until a mistake like that is made.

2-12 Years

This is a tricky age group because it is difficult to tell the difference between a 9 and 12 year old, but it is usually easy to tell that the kid is not a teenager. With this age group, always guess on the high side.  The kids often can be older than they look. Guessing too high will be flattering to them, while guessing too low is a great insult. 

Trombonist: "How old are you? Seven?" 

Kid: "NO! I'm eleven! Why does everyone think I'm little!?!?!"

Smart Person: "How old are you? You must be at least 12?" make sure you're dripping with condescension here. It's fun because the kids have no idea.

Kid: "No." giggles and laughs. "I'm four."

Smart Person: "Wow! you look so much older than that!"

13-17 Years

 

This is the "cool" group. Those who are aged 13 to 17 probably want nothing to do with anyone, but still like people to be impressed with how old they look. This age group requires a little more subtlety than the previous age group because these guys tend to detect condescension. They're teenagers. They live off of condescension and sarcasm. This makes them easy to identify as in the 13-17 age range. Also, look for braces and acne.

If you just ask their age, you will probably receive a shrug as a reply. Skip the age inquiry. You're a trombonist, offer them some beer. A lot of times they will say:

"Woa! I'm only 15. Did you think I was 21?"

Just say yes.

If they try to take the beer, backpedal a little bit and say:

"Wait a second. How old did you say you were?"

They'll be a little flattered before returning to a brooding state, but they will give their age.

18-23 Years

I drew a bear.

This is the group you should probably just leave alone. People who look 18 are often actually 24 years old or older. You don't want to ask a 24 year old their age (see previous statements). Remember, the goal is to be delicate.

It is stupid though. If a 24 year old can still be mistaken for 18, they don't need to be worried about their age. It shows how vain people are. Fortunately, trombonists are too clueless to care about age and wrinkles. Hence this post. I'm looking out for the trombone population. You are now one step closer to being less socially awkward. 

This is a trombone. Not a person. Do NOT try to ask it how old it is. It will not respond. Also, you cannot marry it. It IS socially awkward.

-The Socially Awkward Trombone