How to Deal with Fishermen

Once a year from grades K-12, you went to the gymnasium and took your school picture. It was relatively painless. You got to miss some of English class, and you got to talk with your friends while you waited in line (assuming they were close to your height). The photographer told you to stupidly tilt your head to the side, there was a flash, and it was over.  Just like that. Who’d ever think that the pictures would create so many new fishermen?

About a month later, more time is taken away from your English class (not good for the illiterate trombonist in the back row) to pass out the pictures.

The fishing begins…

Girl: How did your picture turn out?

Fisher: Oh it’s just TERRIBLE.

Girl: It can’t be that bad. Let me see.

Fisher: No really, I look disgusting.

What could she possibly be playing at? Who says such horrible things about themselves? I like to call these people 

THE FISHERS OF COMPLIMENTS

The fishers of compliments refuse to show their school pictures until they have reached a point where they can’t possibly degrade themselves anymore.

The fishing continues…

 Girl:  Come on, pleeeeeease

Fisher: Seriously, it turns my stomach. I look like Tim Burton in a pink dress.

Girl: No way it’s that bad. Let me see.

Fisher: Wellllll If you insist…

This is it. The moment the fisher has been waiting for. She has been climbing to this point for about 5 minutes.

The fishing reaches a climax…

Fisher: Turns the picture around

Girl: OMIGOSH YOU LOOK SOOOO AMAZING. YOU ARE SO PRETTY. WHAT ON EARTH WERE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?!??!??!?!?!?!

Fisher: You really think I look good?

Girl: Absolutely gorgeous.

This is what the fisher had been building to all along. The end goal was someone fawning over her. This entire scenario will repeat throughout the entire day in each class unless someone puts a stop to it. Here's how I choose to end it...

Trombonist: How did your picture turn out?

Fisher: Terrible. It's horrendous. 

Trombonist: I bet it's not as bad as you say. Let me see it.

Fisher: Well, if you insist, but don't say I didn't warn you. It's bad. 

Turns picture around

Trombonist: MY GOODNESS! WHAT HAPPENED!? IS THAT REALLY YOU?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO YOURSELF?! You were so right. I wouldn't show that to too many people. 

OK, so maybe it's a little mean, but giving a fisher an unexpected reaction like that usually stops them from all of the excessive fishing. Don't worry. In time, the fisher will realize that they have been fishing for compliments all along, and they will thank you for pointing it out. 

-The Socially Awkward Trombone

Ireadharrypotterfasterthanyouosis

In case you were wondering, about 70% of trombonists can't read (yes, that includes music. Explains a lot doesn't it?). The other 30% read extremely slow and have trouble with words like "glissando" and "cat". For the trombonists who are Harry Potter fans, this can be quite frustrating.

Harry Potter readers are plagued by a strange affliction known in some groups as "Ireadharrypotterfasterthanyouosis*". The condition prompts the readers of Harry Potter books to time themselves whenever they start reading the 4th, 5th, 6th, or 7th book. However, timing the reading sessions is only a small part of this recently discovered medical condition. It is what is commonly known as "The Sharing of the Times" that gives a reader some serious street cred in certain circles. "The Sharing of the Times" turns into a ritual that goes on until a bluff is called.

HP Fan 1: "The fourth book took me about 3 days to finish."
HP Fan 2: " It took ME about 1 day"
HP Fan 3: "It took me about 15 hours"
HP Fan 1: "OH! I didn't read it for three days straight. I took breaks. Without the breaks I probably read it in 9 hours"
HP fan 2: "I took breaks over my 1 day. It really only took me 6 hours"
Trombonist HP Fan: "I read it in 4 hours"
HP Fans 1,2,3: "Yeah right!"
 The bluff has been called.
 Trombonist: backpedals. embarrassed. "I meant to say...uh...10 hours"

But it's too late. The ritual is over and the bluff called, leaving the trombonist to ponder the the drastic measures (no pun intended) just taken.

Why Do We Care So Much?
Reading Harry Potter 4 faster than all of your friends should not be important. It's about as important as being able to tie your shoe while licking your elbow, yet the ritual lives on. Reading Harry Potter quickly is like chugging a 2 liter of Dr. Pepper. You don't enjoy it, and you miss 9 of the 23 flavors, but you can tell everyone that you did it. You chugged a 2 liter in 30 seconds and read Harry Potter in 30 minutes. Maybe your 3 year old neighbor thinks that you're totally awesome, but for the most part, NO ONE CARES. Unfortunatey the self satisfaction brought on by"Ireadharrypotterfasterthanyouosis" is quite severe, and when the good feeling wears off, the infected will tell anyone who will listen about their best Harry Potter time in an attempt to achieve another good feeling that is brought on by the awe of others.

The Effect on Trombonists
Trombonists are affected by the condition, but since they are not able to read well, they don't have much to brag about. Now there is even less of a chance for them to gain acceptance in a world that frowns upon the illiterate socially awkward trombonists.

One Exception
There is actually one merit to reading Harry Potter quickly, but you have to be a complete meany-pants to do it...

You have the power to tell everyone that DUMBLEDORE, DOBBY, SIRIUS, LUPIN, TONKS, FRED, SNAPE, AND HEDWIG  DIE before they even get to the part that you just spoiled. Of course, if you are a trombone player, you never get to these parts before anyone else.


*Note: This condition only affects those who grew up while the books were being released. Today the infected readers would probably be between the ages of 14 and 23.

-The Socially Awkward Trombone