You are Such a Dumb

There has been a new development in my research. You have heard me repeat many times that bass trombonists are notorious for being drunken creatures with a fondness of stupidity. It seems that I may have been wrong.

(BUT NOT ENTIRELY WRONG)

Having only switched over to bass bone in the past year and a half, I thought maybe it would take a while for the bass trombone mentality to set in. I waited patiently for my creature to take control of me and force me to drink copious amounts of alcohol before, during, and after every playing session (My fondness towards stupidity cultivated when I picked the trombone. See Soap is NOT Funny).

Alas! this did not happen.

I waited and waited with apprehension for the day when I would no longer get to experience playing the bass trombone sober.

I waited
                     
                                                        and waited
                                           
                                                                                                                               and waited

                           and waited                              and played with my toy Land Rover

                                                                                and waited


and I did not develop a taste for large quantities of alcohol. So I thought that something must be wrong.

My confusion was not for naught (hehe. not for naught). Bass trombonists just seem to talk as if they are always under the influence. You know, slurred words and trouble constructing sentences.

It was after one of my practice sessions that I noticed a change.

My friends laughed at me more. I said crazy things and began using incorrect grammar (Most notably "You are SUCH a dumb!). I began turning certain words plural when they should have been singular. The word lettuce became "a lettuces".

This change snuck up gradually and I never noticed it because I was spending all of my time waiting for my alcoholic monster to take over.

The monster did not take over. I mean, I'm still indulging a Dr. Pepper addiction in my quest to be the stereotypical obese trombonist...OK not really. That's just how I rationalize. I'm trying to quit a little bit. but not really.

The point I'm trying to make is, I'M NOT A DRUNK.

But why do I experience the symptoms?

Do you want to know why?
You don't wanna know.
You wanna know why?
You don't wanna know.
You wanna know why?

Because bass trombone makes you STUPID.

That's right. Stupid.

Symptoms last for different amounts of time depending on how long the musician played the bass trombone. Usually, the amount of time spent in the state of stupidity corresponds with how much time the instrument was played. Basically if you play for an hour, you will sound like an idiot for an hour.

Occasionally there are exceptions. Bass trombonists who have "no chops" are frequently referred to as 'lightweights". If they play for an hour, they sound stupid for 2 hours.

All of this is very scientifical.

Combine these symptoms with a bass trombonist who drinks when not playing, and you get someone who always sounds drunk. Scary.

So now the bass trombonist who was socially awkward to begin with is experiencing bouts of stupidity. It's one thing to introduce awkward sentences  in the presence of normal people, but it's another to say awkward things while appearing to be drunk.

But perhaps the perceived drunken state is more acceptable to the public than just being socially awkward. At least there is an excuse for the inappropriate comments.

The world may never know.

Here is a conversation between a normal person and a bass trombonist who has just finished playing.

Person: "Oh hello. How are you?"
Bass Trombonist: "Good."
Person: "That's great. What have you been up to lately?"
Bass Trombonist: "Caiman Lizards sometimes wear pants."
Person: "Oh really...um. Well,"
Bass Trombonist: "Strawberry are a things. Rhythm stick hit you. A galaxy are funny."
Person: Runs away screaming
Bass Trombonist: "TIDAL SNEEZE TAX!!!!!!!!!!" breaks down into tears.


No matter how hard the bass trombonist tries, the words "nothing much" are impossible to force out. 


So I beg my little audience to please be kind to the bass trombonists that may or may not be drunk. It's a hard life we live and stupidity is the price we pay for our "art". 


-The Socially Awkward Trombone

Elementary Musical Talent

All instruments are not created equal. And if there were one instrument that could be named the "weapon of mass destruction" of all instruments, it's the recorder.

Few instruments cause as much damage as the recorder does. Eardrums have been shattered. Houses set on fire. Children embarrassed. A recorder in the wrong hands turns into a weapon.

In many places, the recorder is the instrument learned in elementary school because music teachers don't believe that young students could learn to play anything else. 

They might be right.

But some students can't learn the recorder.

Now I know what all you normal people are thinking. You think that anyone with the ability to breathe can play the recorder. Well, congratulations ye with so much talent. Recorder came easy to you. So easy that you have eliminated the possibility of the existence of incompetent recorderers....recorderists? recordists?

To the future socially awkward trombonist, recorder will not come naturally. The recorder mixed with the socially awkward trombone gene is the reason why there is a distinct lack of trombonists in every middle school band. I will explain why.

Awkwardness issues in elementary school are widely undetected due to the young age of students and their tendencies to say extremely outrageous things. This makes it difficult for teachers to pick out future trombonists to help through the difficulties of learning the recorder.

The other feature that comes with the trombonist gene is the ability to blow large quantities of hot air without restraint.

The first day the elementary schooler picks up the recorder is an exciting one. Who wouldn't be excited about getting to play an extremely loud and irritating piece of plastic in school?

The excitement quickly evaporates when the teacher explains that there are rules to the recorder. It will not be a free for all. Students will have to learn songs as a class. They will also be expected to practice.

The teacher then proceeds to describe what seems to be everything. How notes are read. How the instrument is held. What a "squeak" is. That the recorder is an instrument and not a lightsaber or any variation on a weapon. During this important overview, the the future trombonist is happily picking a booger while imagining a recorder sword fight. The future bass trombonist is ingesting glue stolen from a previous class, but let's just be happy it's glue and not yet alcohol or large quantities of Dr. Pepper sugary drinks.

After this overview, the children in music class are encouraged to pick up their recorder and- oh wait, Billy has not yet bought a recorder (because he will be a trombonist some day) and must borrow a nasty tasting one that has been sitting in a bucket of disinfectant its entire life.
Now the students may place the recorder in their mouths and hold their fingers over the correct holes. On three, every student will play the same note and then stop when the teacher screams at everyone waves.

One

Two

Th-BBRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

And the first note of the year has been played. The children are looking quite pleased with themselves. At the end of class, the students are told to practice at home so they can get better. Except Billy. He still has no recorder and will probably taste disinfectant at every music class for a year before remembering to buy his own. But lets be real here. Disinfectant has alcohol. If Billy had a chance of a normal life, it's gone. Billy's future will be as a professionally wasted bass trombonist.

As the school year continues, the students reach the point in their short lived musical careers when they can play a song as a class. At first, the song is barely recognizable, but becomes clearer with every music class. However, a great number of squeaks still plague the ensemble.

Future Trombonist (FT): "Man, that person who keeps squeaking sure is a dweeb. Who actually squeaks on a recorder? It's the easiest thing ever. Check this out."
Future trombonist uses nose to play recorder. Then plays Hot Cross Buns very poorly.

The children find the nose display funny, but only laughter is heard. No conversation is struck up with the soon to be social outcast.

A few weeks later and the squeak is still there, masked among the performers.

FT: "Seriously. That squeaker is worse than a mouse. You guys stink!"

It is only 3 weeks from the end of the school year when the future trombonist realizes that the squeak is not the fault of anyone else. The FT has been causing it all along, and now comes to the realization that recorder is not easy. All of that hot and fast air is negatively impacting the sound of the recorder. No one ever explained how to keep it from squeaking, and now there is no hope at musical success.

This all leads to an embarrassing and awkward moment of reckoning for the future trombonist.

The future trombonist is forced to reconcile with the fact that playing the recorder (aka "the easiest instrument in the world) is going to be impossible.

But who really cares? It's not like the trombonist learned anything about the recorder. Really all the FT did was watch everyone else's fingers to see what was supposed to happen. Notes and rhythms were never learned because the FT was too busy with booger picking.

But future trombonists don't know this. They didn't even know that they weren't paying attention. These young people may never pick up the trombone because they are led to believe that if they can't play an instrument as easy as the recorder, then they can't play any instrument at all. It is only the really delusional ones that decide to continue music, and this is what ends up populating middle school trombone sections.

Most of the students who would have picked up the trombone quit music before they get the chance to try one out.

Somehow there are still a few kids that go on to play trombone. Even after every indication of their musical ability says that they are incapable of music, they persevere. But just think, if the recorder didn't discourage future trombonists, we would have waaaaaaay more of them.

That's what every music teacher wants. Right?                     conspiracies. 

THE END

Disclaimer: Sometimes when played professionally, the recorder can be considered relevant and maybe even pretty sounding. It's just that I have yet to hear or see (ew) good things come out of the $10 recorder of a 9 year old. Also, I still can't play the recorder and refuse to ever pick up the instrument again unless Bob Hallett is willing to give me lessons. And technically, I don't even think Bob plays recorder, but if he did, it would be tolerable sounding.

I think I'll stick with bass bone and my Dr. Pepper addiction. Which reminds me. The next post will examine the possibility that maybe not all bass trombonists are drunken lunatics. Doesn't sound too promising though...

p.s. The Art of Bass Trombone is live. Click the tab.

-The Socially Awkward Trombone