Spit happens

The trombone is not glamorous. It's a great hulking piece of metal that tends to produce unflattering sounds. Usually, the trombone is pushed to the back of the orchestra, but we have yet to figure out if this is due to the musician or the instrument itself.

A few weeks ago I participated in a performance of Dona Nobis Pacem. This particular performance combined both the UNCSO and the Carolina Choir. The poor choir was forced to stand behind the percussion and low brass.

Now in my experience, choir members know next to nothing about brass players. It's not their fault. They mean well, but unfortunately, every instrument foreign to them (which is all instruments) must be a trumpet.

Choir Kid (CK): "Oh! Is that a trumpet you're holding?"

Band Kid (BK): "No. It's a tuba." 

CK: "Is that a trumpet?"

BK: No. That's a trombone."

CK: "Is THAT a trumpet?"

BK: "My lunch? No. That is a sandwich. Not an instrument."

CK: "What about that?"

BK: "Trumpet. Thanks for trying to be friendly, but just go back to your choir. Here's a lozenge.

Now, out of a group of choir members, only about 10 percent will be brave enough to talk to the instrumentalists like in the conversation above. The rest seem to think that we are a group of savage beasts that will kill anyone on sight. Maybe the percussionists are, but the trombones are just socially awkward. Social initiations towards a trombonist are met with what is often interpreted as a glare, but really it's a bewildered blank look like a deer in headlights. That's what trombonists are. Deer in headlights that don't know how to respond.

Appearance To Chorus Members Vs. Reality.

Perhaps there are other reasons than unapproachability contributing to the avoidance of trombonists. It is my personal belief that hygiene is a huge factor.

Brass instruments are breeding grounds for bacteria. All sorts of nasty gets stuck inside a trombone. Bits of food, soda, and coffee are not uncommon finds in a horn that is rarely cleaned. The combination of these substances can make a horrendous smell come from the horn. A smell such as this drives many people away.

The smell of the trombonist must also be taken into account. More often than not, boy trombonists do NOT know how to properly bathe. This leads to an even worse smell when the trombonist is combined with his instrument. However, it should be known that girl trombone players, such as myself, do not tend to have personal hygiene problems and are, in general, extremely good looking (see the blogger profile picture).

But no matter the gender, most trombonists do not properly care for their horns. This causes social embarrassment and shunning from everyone. Not just chorus members. The difference with chorus members is just that they don't always know to avoid a trombonist when they first encounter one.

I noticed something else when I participated in that combined rehearsal. The chorus members became increasingly more disgusted with our water keys (A.K.A spit valves).

Understand that the spit valve is a source of great fun for trombonists (and the occasional tuba player). Nothing is more satisfying than holding the trombone high in the air and releasing the valve in a way that allows the spit to make the biggest "splat" possible. Many competitions have been held. Achieving the "splat"
truly is an art form.

I've seen tuba players play a different game...

Tuba 1 (T1): "OK. I'm gonna release this valve and we're going to see who can "pee" the longest."
Tuba 2 (T2): "Ready, Set....GO!"
The tubists hold the instrument between their legs and release the valve. The spit falls to the floor in a steady stream. 
T1: "Dang! You beat me."
T2: "That's because I poured water down my horn before we started."
T1: "Ha! good one. Got any more? We should put it down that trombone sitting on the chair."

But what probably disturbed the chorus members the most was that no matter how many times we explained that it's "just condensation", they couldn't get over the fact that some of our "condensation" (it's totally spit) was brownish-green.

I'm sure my middle school band director would have horrified them more had they heard his plan to keep a cup full of the entire bands spit for one unlucky person to drink when they forgot their music on a stand.

Basically, the idea to combine a choir and orchestra is wonderful in theory. There is no denying that the sound is unparalleled (when the orchestra isn't too loud). It just is not fair to the chorus member to have to watch what goes on in the back row. They can't handle it. And to be frank, the trombonists can't handle the gagging noises coming from behind. Let's put the chorus up front. They'll appreciate it for multiple reasons. Partly because they don't have to watch the trombones, and partly because as singers, they like having the spotlight.

Maybe we could clean our horns better. Maybe we could clean OURSELVES better. But one thing is for sure. Spit happens. Nothing can be done about it.

And to return to my opening statement. So what if the trombone's a great hulking piece of metal. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang was too, and look how it turned out. Fantasmagorical.

-The Socially Awkward Trombone