Neglected

Everybody knows Beethoven's 5th symphony. Everybody. It is possible that some do not know it by name, but the "dun dun dun duuuuuuun" is instantly recognizable.

There are even jokes about the 5th. 

What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?

Ba-na-na naaaaa!

If a piece of music written in 1804 can be referenced in today's fast-paced, pop-music centered world, it must be pretty significant.

So guess what!? The UNC symphony orchestra has decided to play it our next concert. It's gonna be great, everyone's excited about it, it will probably generate a lot of revenue, the trombones don't play until the last movement...wait. What?

Let me tell you how Monday's rehearsal went.

First, the orchestra ran through Dona Nobis Pacem. It had a few tacet movements, but there were some good brass parts to make up for it. Cant complain. It's pretty typical of orchestral works. Especially when they include chorus.

It was then time for the Beethoven, and the trombones assumed the position. Our principal trombone pulled out his new iPhone and looked at God knows what. Our second began pretending to read a book for class (let's be real here, everyone knows that trombonists can't read). The bass trombonist (me) began wildly scribbling words on a sheet of paper with her eyes closed for her script writing class (this process is known as "outlining" to a bass trombonist). Our trombones laid sad and neglected on the floor with spit pooling around the mouthpieces.

The first movement turned into the second, the second to the third, and the third to the fourth when suddenly, two bars into the fourth movement, everything came to a crashing halt. The trumpets burst into fits of giggles and the conductor looked at us with a face that said "I'm not surprised. This is kind of funny but I don't want to encourage you so I'll try to put on a mad face instead of a happy one". We had missed our entrance. Quickly, we picked up our poor neglected and freezing trombones, and the fourth movement was started again. We bumbled our way through the fourth movement, and rehearsal ended with everyone knowing that the trombones had missed their entrance. Awkward.

The conductors reaction brings to mind a quote by the famous Richard Strauss.

"Never look at the trombones, you'll only encourage them."

How right he was. I just wish that he hadn't shared that quote with anyone. It seems that every conductor has taken this quote and adopted it as a personal philosophy. Now the trombones sit in the back row, and hope that SOMEONE will look at us with an approving glance.

Actually, I think social awkwardness in the trombone section could probably be blamed completely on Strauss. Of course trombonist are awkward. they've been treated as if they don't exist for their entire lives. Do you have any idea what that does to one's social skills? It's makes them a complete and utter disaster.

This is what I like to call the Strauss effect.

So you see? Maybe the trombonists were born with a hidden awkward gene, but it probably wouldn't have been activated if it weren't for Strauss. He knew that if he gave the trombones an approving look that they would take it as a cue to play louder and crazier than ever. As a result, he made generations of trombone players have conversations like this:

T1: If you bought a blue pBone and I bought a yellow pBone, would that make a green pBone?

T2: I think so. Yeah.

T1: Sweet! Green is a booger color!

So all of you conductors out there be mindful. You could be contributing to this horrible wrongdoing. 

Oh, and who needs wall street protests. Here's a new movement from the perpetually neglected society of trombonists. 

-The Socially Awkward Trombone