A Guide to Socially Awkward Chicken

In this blog, I would like to start by examining a text that I received the other day from a good friend of mine. It illustrated a perfectly wonderful socially awkward situation that he had just experienced.

It read:

"Socially awkward: having a vegan coming up to you at lunch asking for signatures to get more vegan food on campus when you have a mouth full of Chick-fil-a and half a chicken on your plate." 

Now I don't know how my friend handled this situation, but I know him well enough to assume that he was very polite and nice to this vegan. He probably signed the petition and then asked the vegan about his/her cause even though it probably did not interest him in the slightest (Oh, and to the friend who sent me this text: Am I right? Or am I right?). 

That is not how a trombonist would have or should handle a situation like this. Trombonists should avoid as much social interaction as possible. Basically, just try not to speak. If a trombonist was chewing a Chick-fil-a sandwich with a large chicken on his plate and was approached by a vegan petitioner the following guide would be necessary.

A Guide to Dealing With Vegan Petitioners When You Are Eating Meat

(specific right?)

Step 1. Stare at the vegan unblinkingly for exactly 27 seconds. Just don't stare right into the eyes. It's much better if you look just over the shoulder or above the forehead. 

Step 2. Then, without breaking eye contact (or the trombone equivalent of almost staring into the eyes), slowly lift the entire chicken to your mouth and take a large bite.

Step 3. Leave the chicken in your mouth, but return your hands to your sides.

The vegan will leave. You just made him/her quite uncomfortable without saying a word. Maybe it is not something to be proud of, but a trombonist must learn to embrace the fact that there is probably no hope of making through a situation like this. Having the petitioner walk away probably causes the fewest problems. 

Let us imagine for a moment that the trombonist engaged in conversation. 

Vegan (V): "Hello. I am passing around a petition that will ask the university cafeteria to serve more vegan food. Would you mind signing it?"

Trombonist (T): "I can't write."

V: "Oh. Well. Um. OK. That's fine I guess... how do you get into a university without being able to write?"

T: "You want some chicken?"

V: "No thank you, I'm vegan."

T: "Oh. OK. Vegan? Does that mean full or something?"

V: "Would you like some tofu?"

T: "No thank you. I'm vegan."

The confusion is never-ending when the mouth of a trombonist is sputtering its usual gibberish. So if you are a trombonist, just remember to refer to steps 1-3 when dealing with vegan petitioners. Do NOT speak. At this point in your life, if you are unable to carry on a socially acceptable conversation, you must seek out other means of dealing with people. This guide is those "other means". Quit trying to be something you're not. You are not a social butterfly, you're a trombonist. 

If you must talk, go hang out with some trombone friends and talk about the history of the spit valve or something. Just make sure you avoid normal people. 

-The Socially Awkward Trombone

The Socially Awkward "How Are You?" Part 2.

Those of you who read my first "Socially Awkward 'How are you?'" post know how much I loathe the phrase "How are you?". It is not a particularly disagreeable phrase, it just serves no purpose. Maybe there was a time when it did serve a purpose, but I doubt it. It is far more likely that the "How are you?" served a porpoise, as it is pretty useless in the English language. For us humans, it remains a small talk starter and conversation filler for those who want to tell you all about themselves.

Porpoises benefit greatly from the serving "How are you?" 

I do not use the phrase because I usually have no interest in your response or telling you about my day. If that sounds rude, it's because it is rude.

Having said this, you should know that I used it today. That's right everyone, Becca Clemens said "How are you?" after bashing it in her first ever blog post.

 I wish I could tell you that I have changed my ways forever. Or that Becca Clemens has joined the ranks of people who repeat socially acceptable phrases on a daily basis. Alas! I cannot. I am a trombonist, and therefore, you can count on me to mess everything up. Do you know what happened when I said "how are you?" today? Do you? I bet you don't.

You probably think that this happened.

Trombonist: "How are you?"
Person: "Great. I woke up this morning and got dressed and BLAHBLAHpicklesBLAHBLAHMr.GoodbarBLAHBLAH! How are you?"
Trombonist: "Good." *Walks away*

While that is a perfectly good example of a socially awkward trombonist conversation using "how are you?", it is not what I experienced.

I saw someone I knew sitting down in the direction I was headed. This person is a nice person that I don't know extremely well, but definitely someone who is nice enough to talk to. As I got closer, he said "Hi" and then I said "Hi" as a response.

And you cannot fathom what happened next.

WE SAID "HOW ARE YOU?" AT THE SAME TIME!

I really don't know what came over me. I guess the sun was in my eyes...

This led to neither of us giving a response and an awkward giggle. Then I continued to walk.

What was I supposed to do? Had I used my usual reply ("good"), I would have been answering my own question. Because we said "How are you?" at THE SAME TIME. THE SAME TIME! I couldn't answer myself could I?

I don't know what made me say the dreaded phrase. Maybe I wanted to appear nice and caring. Whatever the reason, my attempt at socially acceptable etiquette backfired. I would expect nothing less. But this pretty much seals my taboo on "How are you?". I gave it a few tries, and when my ear is not talked off, I have to experience excruciatingly awkward circumstances.

So some advice to the socially awkward trombonists out there:

Don't say "How are you?". Just get to the point. Be as awkward as you like, because the minute you decide to ask it, you will become even more of a social outcast.

-The Socially Awkward Trombone

P.S. Sorry I am so overdue. I feel like such a slacker. Must be the bass trombone. At least I drew a porpoise.