Soda Policies

I think it's time we returned to the discussion of social etiquette on this blog. Sometimes I wonder if I have been failing the few socially inept trombonists who stumble across this site in complete desperation.

Then I stop wondering because I know the answer.

Yes. I am failing them.

Sorry.

Trombonist: "I am sick and tired of being a social outcast. It's such a difficult trait to fix. Maybe Google can help." Types "trombone how to stop being socially awkward" into Google. 
Upon seeing one result, the trombonist excitedly clicks the link to a blog called SOCIALLY AWKWARD TROMBONE.
Trombonist: "Hmmm, all this is telling me is that I'm doomed to a life of social awkwardness as a result of my picking the trombone... at least...I think that's what it says. I can't actually read. NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

I apologize for my lack of helpfulness as a writer and for all of the educators who were never able to keep your attention long enough to teach you to read.

This is (By the way, you have been told numerous times that trombonists are illiterate. If you are wondering how a trombonist manages to write this blog, I can tell you that this particular trombonist has magical penguins and toy Land Rovers. Magical penguins and toy cars are the secret to literacy...Good luck finding a magical penguin. I purchased the only two existing ones straight out of my imagination. They can fly.) a really long parenthesis.

I want to bring everybody's attention to the difficulties of drink machines.

These machines were built for convenience. Walk up to the machine. Place your cup under the ice dispenser and fill it with ice. Move to the left or the right and fill the cup of ice with the drink of your choice.

Seems simple right?

Maybe. It depends on your personality.

Personality 1
I'm going to blissfully get my drink from this machine. It does not occur to me that there could possibly be someone behind me. I think I'll get a Diet Co- no wait. Fake out. I want a Spri- no. Root beer. I want Root beer. I think I'll stand in a way that completely blocks the machine while I get my drink because I am oblivious. This drink lever kind of looks like a butterfly. Or perhaps a seagull. I wonder how they put the bubbles in my drink.
This decision takes only a couple of seconds, but personality 1 has moved from the left to the right and back to the left of the drink machine. This makes it awkward for the person behind Personality 1 who has now tried to access the ice machine 3 times but has been blocked. 


It's very hard to be mad at Personality 1. You'd have to be a total jerk. Usually, Personality 1's are children, or really nice people.


Personality 2
I'm going to race to the drink machine and cut you off. Why? Because my 3 seconds of time are worth more than yours. I will then throw my arms around the machine and hug it for an indefinite amount of time just to make you mad. If this results in every drink being released, so be it. Now that I'm done hugging it, I'm going to make a drink that is comprised of every soda that comes out of this machine.

Personality 2 thinks themselves the most important person in the world and does not give a crap that anyone may be waiting on them.


Personality 3
I'm skipping the ice because there's someone behind me waiting. I would like Sunkist, but there's so much foam in it that actually filling my cup would take 30 whole seconds. And there's someone behind me. I'll just get the drink on the very end of the machine even though I don't like it because there's someone waiting behind me. Did I mention there's someone behind me? I hope I'm not taking too long. They seem to be waiting on me. They can get ice now. It's not going to bother me. They must not like standing next to people which means that despite my efforts to get out of the way I will need to leave before they can serve themselves. AHHHHH the cup's only half full but I 'm leaving anyway because I'm being inconsiderate to the  PERSON BEHIND ME.

The only way that Personality 3 can get a drink they actually like is if there is NO ONE behind them.

What makes the drink machine awkward is that no one knows when it is OK to actually get a drink. If you are waiting behind someone and the drink you want is on the opposite side of the drink they are getting, is it OK to use the machine at the same time? Or will they think that rude? We need rules in place for this. There are etiquette protocols for dumber things than soda...I think.

It is highly likely no one reading this has ever considered the drink machine a place of social awkwardness. Congratulations Personality 1. From now on the drink machine will torment you.

There are a couple of ways to combat the social awkwardness of the drink machine lines. Stationing a security guard to direct things has been eliminated as an idea. This is not an important topic.

Option 1: Bring your own drink.
I do this because its cheaper, I stay out of the way of people, and it is rare that a drink machine gets the Dr. Pepper syrup mixture right.

Option 2: Die of thirst
Pretty self-explanatory.

Option 3: Brave the awkwardness.
Alright Personality 2. I am judging you.

Option 4 (for trombonists): Go to the machine and act like your normal selves.
Life is always awkward for a trombonist. Chances are you won't even realize anything awkward is going on because you live in an environment of awkward on a daily basis. To the bass trombonists: why are you at the drink machine? There is no alcohol here.

So to my trombonist friends, don't worry about it. For once in your life, you are predisposed to succeed. Reading this has also been a massive waste of time.

To the others reading this blog, I am sorry if I just made you aware of being a jerk at the drink machine.

Last thing,
Be it known to all that I will be partnering up with a long time friend of mine (who is the blogger at wanderingwrites.com) at the end of February for one day. We will be doing guest posts on each others' blogs. It should be quite entertaining.

-The Socially Awkward Trombone