What Trombonists Hear

When the 6th grade band director first hands out music, trombonists learn quickly that they don't frequently get the melody or really anything difficult to play. Because of this, they don't feel the need to pay attention when the band director starts teaching the basic rules of reading music. In the mind of a trombone player music is simple; everything can always be louder, correct rhythms are optional and accurate notes are impossible.

Throughout these beginner sessions, the awkward trombonists sit in the back row making spitballs and participating in other activities that tend to be brought on by the inability to sit still. Why listen to boring stuff when none of it applies to them?

 When it's finally time for the band to rehearse, trombonists play their whole notes with questionable accuracy, but no one notices because the whole notes were added in when the composer realized he had forgotten to write the trombone section a part. Not even the band director notices. Poor neglected souls...                              

All of the other students in 6th grade band pay attention. They have to. Not only are they in the front row, but the musical demands on them are high. The melody must be heard at all times and it must be played well. Because of these musical demands, everyone but the trombones learn all about dynamics, rhythms, and sound. And thus, they are prepared for anything.                              

When high school band comes around, trombonists see 8th notes for the first time and don't know what to do. Eventually they come up with a solution known as the "just fake it". It's pretty self-explanatory. Basically, if something is too hard to play, play the "Jaws" theme. Not only does this tactic make them worse musicians, it makes them appear even more socially awkward to everyone in ear shot. The rest of the bandies learn 16th notes and play them admirably.

Unfortunately high school demands a lot more than rhythms and notes, and when the band director begins spitting out words like "legato", the trombones are left wondering why he is talking about French cats living in Spain during band class.

But still they remain unmotivated to learn more about music and are oblivious to the meaning of just about every musical term even through their college and professional careers.

Here are the many awkward ways that trombone players misinterpret rehearsals:

-Trombone players think that espressivo is a delicious caffeinated beverage.

-First day of band:
Band Director: "I am a conductor."
Trombonist: "Our school's budget is so tight we have to hire people off of trains?"

-As far as trombonists know, a reed is a plant that grows near water.


-Director: "TROMBONES! You have slides! USE THEM!!"
Trombonist: "How could he possibly know that we ALL have playgrounds in our backyards?"


-When asked to play piano (the dynamic), trombonists will jump out of their seats, throw down their trombones and begin pounding on the nearest piano.

-Director: "We are going to play a canon."

Trombonist: "Civil war reenactment! YES! Field trip!"

-The term "you are flat" is highly offensive to female trombonists.

-Director: "It's time to play a Carol".

Trombone Section: Stares at Carol in utter confusion. Carol is not a band instrument or type of song. She sits in the third row.

-When a trombone section is asked to "check the key", they pull out their car keys and stare at them for hours trying to figure out what's wrong with them.

-Director: "OK everyone. It's time to play scales"

Trombonist 1: "We're going to weigh ourselves?"

Trombonist 2: "No. Play scales. that means we're going to play a game with scales. Whoever weighs the most wins!"

-Trombonists often wonder why March is the only month that ever gets played. 

-Trombonists know that the "tonic" the band director talks about tastes awful, so they wonder why everyone else seems to like it. In fact, they all seem to hang around the tonic like it's some awesome hang out spot that trombonists never get invited to.

-Director: "This song is in a minor key."

Trombonist 1: "Hey remember when we were minors?"

Trombonist 2; "Of course. Never stopped us from getting alcohol did it?"

-Whenever the director uses the word "beat", trombone players turn to their closest neighbor and begin to furiously beat on them. 

So yeah, trombonists tend to be screw ups. They are neglected too long as beginning band students and grow up to be socially awkward ADD noise makers. But its OK. There are people who exist that do dumber things. The French for example. They think the word "trombone" means "paperclip". Dummies. 

-The Socially Awkward Trombone