The Socially Awkward Musical Mode Creature

This is a post for my musically inclined friends out there. If you don't understand it, fear not. I will be putting up another post in a couple of days that everyone will be able to understand. Actually, if you don't understand this you should be relieved. This topic is reserved for only the most socially awkward. This means that those of you who have not heard of this topic are not the most socially awkward beings on Earth. Clearly the most awkward beings on Earth are...

 Musicians. 

There are times when we musicians have to learn musical terms. Theory classes are notorious for grinding words like "subdominant" and "anacrusis" into our brains. And although trombonists don't understand what is going on half the time (look at our final exam grades. yeesh.), ALL musicians try to come up with easy ways to remember the many terms that are unsuccessfully and maliciously pounded into our skulls by teachers that have the personalities of Voldemort.

To avoid the green death light that shoots out of the eyes of my teachers (fortunately they don't have wands to wield), I have come up with a few ways to remember terms because my memory is the black hole of memories. Some techniques of remembering are more awkward than others, but my favorite involves the 7 musical modes.

As you probably know, the 7 musical modes are

Ionian
Dorian
Phrygian
Lydian
Mixolydian
Aeolian
Locrian

It is best if they are remembered in this order. Unfortunately for many, this is difficult. I have a solution. It's a little awkward.

In high school decided to find one sentence that helped me to remember the modes. I decided to make the first letter of each mode stand for a word in the sentence (there's a term for this, I just don't feel like remembering it) because IDPLMAL was not easy to remember either.

This is what I came up with:

I
Don't
Play
Like
My
Awful
...
wait for it
...
LOCRIAN!

There were two "L"'s in my mnemonic device (I remembered the term). HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO REMEMBER WHICH ONE WAS WHICH!?  The only solution was to find a way to use one of the actual modes that started with "L"

I picked "Locrian"

Fortunately it took me no time at all to figure out what a Locrian was. Obviously it was a living creature, and that creature instantly presented itself to my mind. My awkward trombonist mind. Here's how I depict it by hand...

How could anyone possibly come up with a more awkward creature? I will never look at modes in the same way.

As awkward as the creature is, it is even more awkward explaining it to people. In fact, I never told anyone about my mnemonic device until this year. I don't know why my senior year foresight didn't transfer to college. I should have remembered that I knew putting my Locrian on display would cause the typical social humiliation. After showing it to one person this year I was reminded that unleashing the strange inner workings of my mind was a bad idea.

Friend (F): "I just can't remember the modes and what order they are in! I always get them mixed up!"
Trombonist (T): "Hmm. Can I draw you a unicorn rhino moose to make you feel better?"
F: "No. but I would really like it if you knew a better way to remember this stuff."
T: "Well I have a way...would you...would you like me to show it to you?"
F: "Please! and feel free to draw a unicorn rhino moose."
T: "Well, remember it as "I don't play like my awful locrian.""
F:  Stunned silence. "Really!? That's utterly ridiculous and super awkward!  I'd rather fail than remember that!"
T: "And this is a Locrian" Draws Locrian.
F:  Hysterical laughter that draws the attention of anyone in a 100 foot radius.


I vowed never to tell anyone about it again. Until now...

I have exposed my awkwardness to the internet. To the theorists around the world: please laugh this off and don't blacklist me for musician jobs.

-The Socially Awkward Trombone

The Awkward and Unexpected Meeting

Unexpected meetings are some the most terrifying events for trombone players. Trombonists need time to prepare socially appropriate and engaging topics of conversation, because the ability to use small talk was never bestowed upon them. Generally, the unexpected meetings cause the trombone player to scramble for a conversation starter in the hopes that the conversation will be normal, but the conversation always comes back to topics that no one else wants to talk about.

The scenario and conversation:

A trombonist is walking happily down the street while listening to some Joseph Alessi. A quick glance upward reveals that an acquaintance of the trombonist is about 100 meters away and walking in the opposite direction. It is inevitable that they will pass each other soon. The trombonist waves and says hi, but realizes quickly that the distance between them is too large to have a comfortable conversation. Unfortunately, because the trombonist said "hi", the acquaintance is obliged to say "hi" back (see "The Socially Awkward "How are you?""). This starts an incredibly awkward long distance conversation that ends approximately when an adequate talking distance is finally reached.

80 Meters away
Trombonist(T): "Hi"
Acquaintance(A): "Hi"
70 Meters away
T: "Aren't we...having...uh....lovelyweathertoday?"
A: "It overcast and raining"
60 Meters away
T: "Right. Well, are you looking forward to the weekend?"
A: "It is the weekend."
50 Meters away
T: "Of course it is. How is your pet lobster?"
A: "I don't have a pet lobster."
40 Meters away
T: "Did you know that bagpipes were originally made out of the whole skin of a dead sheep?"
A: "What?"
30 Meters away
T: "Bagpipes. They were made out of dead sheep. Like your dead lobster. Only a sheep."
A: "I told you, I don't have a pet lobster."
20 Meters away
T: "Well yeah, I guess if he's dead..."
A: "I HAVE NEVER OWNED A LOBSTER."
10 Meters away
T: "Must have been someone else."
A: "Must have been."
Comfortable talking distance.
T: Awkward silence and continued walking.
A: Awkward silence and continued walking.


Upon experiencing this situation multiple times, the trombonist will (most of the time) develop a particular defense mechanism. This defense mechanism requires a change in walking posture. While most people walk with their head up and their eyes forward, trombonists learn to walk with their heads down. This technique keeps the trombonist from seeing an acquaintance because the pavement becomes the main focal point. It is incredibly effective because it weeds out the people who are difficult to talk to, and if an acquaintance decides to grab the trombonists attention it is because the acquaintance has something to say to the trombonist. This allows the conversation to run smoothly because the trombonist didn't pick the topic.

Now don't think that trombonists are the only people who have figured this out. Although trombonists have awkward conversations, there are many others who have learned how walk with a lean to avoid social disaster. To illustrate this, I made a diagram.

Understand?

-The Socially Awkward Trombone