What Trombonists Hear

When the 6th grade band director first hands out music, trombonists learn quickly that they don't frequently get the melody or really anything difficult to play. Because of this, they don't feel the need to pay attention when the band director starts teaching the basic rules of reading music. In the mind of a trombone player music is simple; everything can always be louder, correct rhythms are optional and accurate notes are impossible.

Throughout these beginner sessions, the awkward trombonists sit in the back row making spitballs and participating in other activities that tend to be brought on by the inability to sit still. Why listen to boring stuff when none of it applies to them?

 When it's finally time for the band to rehearse, trombonists play their whole notes with questionable accuracy, but no one notices because the whole notes were added in when the composer realized he had forgotten to write the trombone section a part. Not even the band director notices. Poor neglected souls...                              

All of the other students in 6th grade band pay attention. They have to. Not only are they in the front row, but the musical demands on them are high. The melody must be heard at all times and it must be played well. Because of these musical demands, everyone but the trombones learn all about dynamics, rhythms, and sound. And thus, they are prepared for anything.                              

When high school band comes around, trombonists see 8th notes for the first time and don't know what to do. Eventually they come up with a solution known as the "just fake it". It's pretty self-explanatory. Basically, if something is too hard to play, play the "Jaws" theme. Not only does this tactic make them worse musicians, it makes them appear even more socially awkward to everyone in ear shot. The rest of the bandies learn 16th notes and play them admirably.

Unfortunately high school demands a lot more than rhythms and notes, and when the band director begins spitting out words like "legato", the trombones are left wondering why he is talking about French cats living in Spain during band class.

But still they remain unmotivated to learn more about music and are oblivious to the meaning of just about every musical term even through their college and professional careers.

Here are the many awkward ways that trombone players misinterpret rehearsals:

-Trombone players think that espressivo is a delicious caffeinated beverage.

-First day of band:
Band Director: "I am a conductor."
Trombonist: "Our school's budget is so tight we have to hire people off of trains?"

-As far as trombonists know, a reed is a plant that grows near water.


-Director: "TROMBONES! You have slides! USE THEM!!"
Trombonist: "How could he possibly know that we ALL have playgrounds in our backyards?"


-When asked to play piano (the dynamic), trombonists will jump out of their seats, throw down their trombones and begin pounding on the nearest piano.

-Director: "We are going to play a canon."

Trombonist: "Civil war reenactment! YES! Field trip!"

-The term "you are flat" is highly offensive to female trombonists.

-Director: "It's time to play a Carol".

Trombone Section: Stares at Carol in utter confusion. Carol is not a band instrument or type of song. She sits in the third row.

-When a trombone section is asked to "check the key", they pull out their car keys and stare at them for hours trying to figure out what's wrong with them.

-Director: "OK everyone. It's time to play scales"

Trombonist 1: "We're going to weigh ourselves?"

Trombonist 2: "No. Play scales. that means we're going to play a game with scales. Whoever weighs the most wins!"

-Trombonists often wonder why March is the only month that ever gets played. 

-Trombonists know that the "tonic" the band director talks about tastes awful, so they wonder why everyone else seems to like it. In fact, they all seem to hang around the tonic like it's some awesome hang out spot that trombonists never get invited to.

-Director: "This song is in a minor key."

Trombonist 1: "Hey remember when we were minors?"

Trombonist 2; "Of course. Never stopped us from getting alcohol did it?"

-Whenever the director uses the word "beat", trombone players turn to their closest neighbor and begin to furiously beat on them. 

So yeah, trombonists tend to be screw ups. They are neglected too long as beginning band students and grow up to be socially awkward ADD noise makers. But its OK. There are people who exist that do dumber things. The French for example. They think the word "trombone" means "paperclip". Dummies. 

-The Socially Awkward Trombone

The Top 10 WORST Locations to be Holding a Trombone

Maybe these things bother me more than most people, but while I was in Albuquerque with the band this year, I found myself in one of the most socially awkward situations I could ever think of. We were in the New Mexico Lobos basketball stadium for the womens basketball tournament. It was a great game (we won), and the stadium chicken fingers were excellent, but unfortunately after the game I found myself to be in a situation where I needed to use the bathroom.

"Unfortunately? doesn't everyone have to use the bathroom sometimes?" you ask.

Yes indeed. Everyone uses the bathroom and I can proudly say I have no problem using the bathroom. I am quite proficient in the realms of pottying. Public restrooms don't even bother me much, and this stadium bathroom was brand new and sparkly clean. In many ways I am blessed that I am not, as my friend calls it, "pee shy". Meaning that I can go to the restroom if other people are in it.

So no. The problem was not the bathroom.

The problem was the what I had to bring with me to the bathroom. That dastardly thing that brought me to Albuturkey in the first place. The object that is often the center of my life and this blog. Yes my friends,

THE TROMBONE

Trombones and bathrooms don't go together. A trombone is not commonplace in a bathroom (or anywhere else for that matter). It isn't hand sanitizer or toilet paper, and although hot air comes out of it, it can't dry the hands that it did NOT wash. In a public restroom, the trombone is just altogether AWKWARD.  

Walking into a bathroom with a trombone begins with false hope. You think that maybe no one will notice. But upon approaching the door, that hope is crushed. Everyone is staring at you. The weird kid that brings a trombone into the bathroom. You put your head down at the proper trombonist angle and walk quickly towards a stall and avoid eye contact but you can still feel the stares. Once in the bathroom, you are faced with the dilemma of where the trombone should be placed while going about your business. There is the option of holding it the entire time, but that seems dangerous. You finally prop it in the corner where the stall meets the wall. Hopefully it won't tip over. The sound of metal on the floor would be greatly magnified with the bathroom acoustics. 

You leave the bathroom stall, and the stares from the patrons of the potty become unbearable. You can almost hear their thoughts...

How could she have possibly gone to the bathroom with that thing?

What is that? And why is it here?

Yuck! I bet that instrument's covered with germs.

Whatever that thing is, it's not a taco. Therefore, it should not be here. (This person probably has more problems than the trombonist. There's always one.)

Who brings a trombone into a bathroom?

And then suddenly,

"MOMMY! WHY DOES SHE HAVE THAT THING IN HERE!?!?!?!?!?!?"

Oh children. Always ready to say what their parents will not. 

You make your way to the sinks and lay the trombone across 2 of them. The other restroom patrons wait patiently for you to finish washing your hands. They think if they get too close that they could catch the crazy too (except the taco girl. she just goes ahead and washes her hands alongside you). Finally you leave. You soak up a few stares from people watching you come out of the bathroom and run to the bus, thanking God that you don't know anyone in Albuquerque. 

After experiencing the Lobos bathrooms with my horn, I got to thinking about all of the other places where having a trombone would be socially awkward, so I compiled a list for you. Here are the "Top 10 WORST Locations to be Holding a Trombone" for your enjoyment. I have not included bathrooms in this top ten. You already read how awkward it is.

The Top 10 WORST Locations to be Holding a Trombone

10. Iowa: The only thing allowed in Iowa is corn and the occasional Golden Corral.    


9.  A Courtroom: "Guilty of social awkwardness!" Can you imagine a random jury member just holding a trombone through the trial? Or maybe the bailiff?

8.  TV: OK, I understand that it's a paying gig but seriously? Did you see this?

7.  DMV: This place is awkward enough. A trombone would make it unbearable. And there's no way you're getting your licence renewed if you look like a crazy kid with a trombone.


6.  Boot Camp: Physical activity and the trombone aren't friends...

Typical Trombonist

5.  Doctor's Office: Innuendo aside, a doctor's office is a place for healing. Encounters with trombone players tend to be traumatizing.


4.  Bowling Alley: Try bowling while holding a trombone. I bet you'll fall down.


3.  Fancy Parties: Parties are already awkward due to their rigid social rules. Socializing is hard enough to do without holding a trombone. Add the trombone and you're a guaranteed outcast.


2.  A Library: A library is a quiet place. Do you really want to draw laughter from people in a quiet place?


1.  Public: Let's face it. Trombones aren't really socially appropriate in places where they can be seen.

-The Socially Awkward Trombone