OK not really. I'm fine. Nothing's broken, my brain is unaltered, my friends are still brass players, and I haven't written because....because.....dang you writers block. I can't even remember what I was going to use as an excuse.
But the point is that I'm back. So here's a post about socially awkward trombone players.
Quasi-delusional
Here are a few gross generalizations about musician delusions:
Flute players believe that they are most similar Rapunzel. In reality they are probably more like the Charlotte La Bouff character from The Princess and the Frog.
Clarinet players want to be Meg from Hercules, but they act more like the diabolical Iago from Aladdin.
Trumpet players. These people think they're the Prince Charming type of awesome. Everyone else knows that they're actually the hypochondriac elephant in Tarzan.
Percussionists often pick from any family member from The Incredibles and pretend to be one of them. In reality they behave much like Stitch.
The trombonists would pick a majestic and powerful character like Hercules. That's a perfectly acceptable
Unfortunately, reality dictates that the socially awkward trombonist is almost certainly destined to be most similar to Quasimodo.
Why? See if these ring a bell.
1. He's a societal outcast.
2. His interactions with the few people he knows are incredibly awkward.
3. His only friends are inanimate objects that he speaks to.
4. His eye contact is terrible (partly due to the enlarged brow of his left eye but mostly because of his awkwardness).
5. His posture is worse than his eye contact.
6. He is almost entirely deaf due to large percussion instruments that he has no choice but to interact with.
The guy is a poster child for the socially awkward, and therefore, practically a trombonist.
As socially awkward as he is, Quasi is quite lovable Sure, he's probably the scariest hero in any Disney movie, but people manage to like him.
Well, they at least pity him.
And THAT is what trombonists live on. Pity.
Fortunately, most people understand that the trombonist was born with a socially awkward gene. These people will occasionally put half of a hamburger and 1 pint of [insert beverage here] into the trombone busking tip jar so no one has to starve. Pity at its finest.
But back to Quasimodo.
The hunchback spends much of his time talking to his gargoyle friends. These gargoyle friends are what Disney uses to make the movie more accessible to children. But as viewers of the movie get older, they realize that the gargoyles are actually mute inanimate creatures made of stone.
Well, most of the viewers.
Children destined to grow up to a life of trombone playing never realize that the gargoyles in the movie aren't real.
Why? Because many trombonists have imaginary friends that are similar to the gargoyles.
Instead of a gargoyle, the imaginary friend is the trombone. You can imagine the effects this will have on a person. Instead of gargoyles peer pressuring you to attend the festival of fools, the trombone is telling you to perform in front of real live people.
We all know that Quasi's imaginary friends are responsible for his being tied up and spun around on one of those banned children's playground carousels while people threw rotten fruit at his face. Sure, it allowed him to meet Esmerelda, but she friendzoned him pretty dang fast once she met Pheobus.
If gargoyles cause that, imagine the damage that a trombone could do!
So maybe Judge Claude Frollo had a point. Maybe the world was not ready for Quasimodo if he was easily influenced by the imaginary.
In the same way the world is not ready for the trombonist...
The typical music director is very similar to Frollo. He goes through extreme lengths to keep the trombonists hidden from the cruel and wicked world.
For performances, a music director will hide most of the ugly in an ensemble with different musical techniques. Unfortunately, the trombones require well placed shrubbery, straight jackets, or in some cases, a separate room known as the "trombone stage".
The trombone stage is basically a small, soundproofed, dimly lit room behind the stage. It contains all of the trombonists and an animal control specialist with a laser pointer. This will occupy trombone players well past the duration of a concert.
For when a rehearsal must contain trombones, the music director has a different approach. You may have heard of conductors giving "the hand". For most musicians this means the conductor puts his hand up to quiet them. Trombonists know that "the hand" means a violent slap across the face. This slap is the only way to bring the trombonists out of the imaginary conversations they are having with their instruments (which are telling them to "run to the front of the stage, play a few choice fart tones, and steal every pencil off of every stand if you want to be a real performer").
The hand brings trombonists back to reality just long enough to explain the reasons behind removing Schumann 3 from the performance program.
As long as this world has Frollo-esque music directors, non-trombonists need not fear their writing utensils being stolen. They need not fear a world where the radio only plays trombone choir renditions of "76 Trombones". Life will go on with the trombonists locked away like the ugly bell ringer.
But who knows? This trombonist can only hope that one day our behavior will be accepted by society (Quasimodo was. Even though that little girl felt the need to put her hands all over his face). But until then, I'll be sitting over here. Chasing a laser pointer.
-The Socially Awkward Trombone
This post is dedicated to Lizzie McMizzie, Matt P-----k, and Dave L------i. Thanks for getting me back onto the blogging train even though you probably weren't aware that you did anything. And Mike, thanks for giving me permission to skip my practice session tonight.
Lastly, check out Hip-Bone Music. They're a great resource (and sorry it took 2 years to get you into a post).
