Ages Are Awkward

In some ways, asking someone's age is like asking a fat person when her baby is due... It probably shouldn't be done. Awkwardness will most definitely ensue.

One must be delicate when inquiring another's age. Trombonists are not known for being delicate, so I have decided to create a guide to requesting ages for the average everyday socially awkward trombonist. It will include pictures. 

Between the ages of 0 and about 23, age is not a difficult topic to discuss. It is often "cute". Kids make a big deal about their birthdays and are used to parents proudly shouting "My child is turning 11 today!". Kids also use their age for making excuses.

"I'm 2 years old. Do you really expect me to put my shoes on?"

 After the age of 23 or so, people begin to become ashamed of their aging selves. When prodded for their age, an older person will elude the question with an answer like "Old enough." or "Too old to count". 

The odd thing is that eventually, if a person becomes ancient, age returns to an acceptable topic of discussion. It is suddenly impressive. Those that are 99 years old become quite proud of their age and sometimes even regress to using it to their advantage. 

"I'M 104 YEARS OLD! DO YOU REALLY EXPECT ME TO PUT MY SHOES ON?!!!?!?!?"

Unfortunately, until the 24 year old reaches 99, they spend much of their time trying to look younger. This is why they don't wan't their age exposed. Adults think that if no one knows their age, they may be able to pass off for younger than they are. This is why many adults love getting carded, but let's face it, the cashier knows you're old. You just looked like you were having a bad day...Anyway, age is a tender topic of discussion.

This should help explain things.

How Request Someone's Age Without Being Socially Awkward

0-23 Months

It is very easy to find out the age of a baby. Typically the mom was planning on telling you anyway. All you have to do is say 

"AWWWWW how old is he?"

The parent of the child will give you the age in months. Why? because it's more impressive and they want you to say something like:

 "WOW he is really big and healthy for his age."

Unfortunately, the baby was not a he. Age may not be difficult here, but gender is. Try asking something like

"How old is your baby". 

Keep gender out of it. You never know you've encountered psycho mom until a mistake like that is made.

2-12 Years

This is a tricky age group because it is difficult to tell the difference between a 9 and 12 year old, but it is usually easy to tell that the kid is not a teenager. With this age group, always guess on the high side.  The kids often can be older than they look. Guessing too high will be flattering to them, while guessing too low is a great insult. 

Trombonist: "How old are you? Seven?" 

Kid: "NO! I'm eleven! Why does everyone think I'm little!?!?!"

Smart Person: "How old are you? You must be at least 12?" make sure you're dripping with condescension here. It's fun because the kids have no idea.

Kid: "No." giggles and laughs. "I'm four."

Smart Person: "Wow! you look so much older than that!"

13-17 Years

 

This is the "cool" group. Those who are aged 13 to 17 probably want nothing to do with anyone, but still like people to be impressed with how old they look. This age group requires a little more subtlety than the previous age group because these guys tend to detect condescension. They're teenagers. They live off of condescension and sarcasm. This makes them easy to identify as in the 13-17 age range. Also, look for braces and acne.

If you just ask their age, you will probably receive a shrug as a reply. Skip the age inquiry. You're a trombonist, offer them some beer. A lot of times they will say:

"Woa! I'm only 15. Did you think I was 21?"

Just say yes.

If they try to take the beer, backpedal a little bit and say:

"Wait a second. How old did you say you were?"

They'll be a little flattered before returning to a brooding state, but they will give their age.

18-23 Years

I drew a bear.

This is the group you should probably just leave alone. People who look 18 are often actually 24 years old or older. You don't want to ask a 24 year old their age (see previous statements). Remember, the goal is to be delicate.

It is stupid though. If a 24 year old can still be mistaken for 18, they don't need to be worried about their age. It shows how vain people are. Fortunately, trombonists are too clueless to care about age and wrinkles. Hence this post. I'm looking out for the trombone population. You are now one step closer to being less socially awkward. 

This is a trombone. Not a person. Do NOT try to ask it how old it is. It will not respond. Also, you cannot marry it. It IS socially awkward.

-The Socially Awkward Trombone

Socially Awkward Silences

I would like to address the elephant in the room. You know, that big awkward silence you and I are experiencing right now? Actually, that particular silence is much larger than an elephant. I would prefer an elephant. An elephant would easily break the awkward silence in the room due to its large and rather blundering nature. Not to mention the trumpet it has built into it's nose. Speaking of trumpeting elephants, why do we relate trumpets to elephants and not the trombone? Probably because trumpets are loud and annoying. Like an elephant. Seriously, what is more irritating than an elephant? But I digress.


Because I am an amateur, most of the concerts I have played have required the band to be on stage before any audience members walk in. We use this stage time to warm up.Warming up is different for every section. 


The flutes will practice the least important parts of their music: trills. It is the goal of every flute player to be the center of attention even if they don't have the melody, which means that the trills have to be loud. Really loud.Trumpet players generally try to see who can play the loudest and highest. Why? Either because they want to destroy their lips before the concert or because they need yet another ego boost. The oboe(s) (preferably no "s") will attempt to tune for no apparent reason. The euphoniums make gurgling noises through their instrument because it's fun, and then look around arrogantly. The clarinets don't play their instruments. They do math problems on the their music stands. The tubas try to see how many shoes they can fit into the bell of the biggest tuba while someone plays it. The bassoons chat with each other in Wookiee...or maybe they're just trying to play their instruments. The percussion beat everything in sight as loud as they can. The horns practice off-beats without a metronome. Trombones spray each other with their spray bottles (those things aren't really for slide maintenance). I don't know what the saxes do. I try to ignore their existence. 

Basically, it gets REALLY loud in the auditorium or theater or whatever. 


Usually, when the audience begins trickling in, the band warm-up routine does not stop. In fact, it tends to get louder because the flutes want to hear themselves over the chatter of the crowd. Utter chaos begins, and the audience is happy to sit through the mess until the concert because parents will listen to anything. 


the band gets louder
                      and LOUDER
                             and louder
                         and LOUDER
                             and louder
                         and LOUDER

                            AND THEN SUDDENLY,

silence

A fish could drop and everyone would hear it.

The crowd looks up expectantly, but the conductor does not walk onto the stage. Upon examination of their respective timekeepers, the audience realizes that the show doesn't start for another 7 minutes. Yet the silence lingers and no one is brave enough to break it. 


This puts everyone in an awkward position. The audience is wondering when they can start chatting without appearing rude, and the musicians are hoping that SOMEBODY! LORD! ANYBODY! will begin to continue warming up. 


After about 30 seconds of the most excruciating awkward silence imaginable, a tuba lets out a large BLAT. This brings the grateful band back to it's warm up routine.  


Six minutes and thirty seconds later, the conductor walk onto the stage and starts the band. The concert is wonderful no matter how bad the band plays because everyone is remembering the awkward silence that preceded it. 


So maybe the silence only happens to really bad bands. It's a defense mechanism for a bad concert. It reminds the audience that they could be sitting through the most painful silence in the world if the band stops playing.


By now the reader has noticed that there has not been a conversation in this post yet. I don't want to disappoint, so here is what trombonists talk about during the 45,969,643,223,456,6fj,skfjgusj67ww9fsf4fs5r measures of rest they have at the beginning of every piece they play.


Trombone 1(T1): "Do you think I could fling this booger into the audience from here?"
Snarky Euphonium Player (SEP): "Do you think you could possibly be any more immature?"
Trombone 2(T2): "Dude. Try and hit my mom."
Trombone 3(T3): "No. Go for the sound guy."
T1: "But that seems like such a waste..." looks admiringly at the booger and finally eats it.
SEP: "Ewh."
T2: "Awesome!"
T3: "Was it good?"
T1: "Ehhh. Average."
Tenor sax turns around to remind the trombones that they enter in 2 measures. 
Trombones ignore him because it's fun to make saxes angry. 
Conductor doesn't notice that the trombones did not enter.
Euphonium glares at trombones.
T2: "You think you could find another one for the tenor sax?"
T1: Digs in nose. "Yep."

That concludes this post. I hope it was utterly horrifying.

A few announcements:
1. I got a twitter. SAWKtrombone is the name.
2. Musicians need a side hobby, so I'm testing one out. Model ship building. I don't know why I told you this.

-The Socially Awkward Trombone