The Socially Awkward "How are you?"

It is a good idea to know the appropriate responses for various social interactions. Only recently have I figured out the "How are you?".

Apparently it is common social knowledge that when someone asks "How are you?", you are supposed to ask "How are you?" back. Because this question is used mostly as a conversation starter, no one really cares what your response is, as long as it's not the dreaded "good". That response just makes things awkward. The appropriate reply would be something along the lines of "I'm   (insert feeling here)  . How are you?". Asking "How are you?" back is the proper etiquette, and helpful for multiple reasons. First, it buys you time to come up with a topic of conversation during the other persons elongated response. Second, it keeps the interaction from ending suddenly.

But the REAL reason for someone to approach you and ask how you are doing is purely for themselves. By asking "How are you?", what someone is really saying is "I am starting a conversation with you so I can tell you all about myself". Like I stated before, it doesn't matter what your first response is. Actually, the conversation could go something like this:

Socialite: "How are you?"

You: "My aunt just got swallowed whole by an octopus, my brother was shoved all of the way into a tuba, My lobster turned purple, and when I put toothpaste on a light bulb this morning, it made me sick. How are you?"

Socialite: " WELL. LET ME TELL YOU. I have had the most TERRIBLE day. I dropped my can of soda at lunch. Isn't that just AWFUL!?"

You;  "why don't you tell me all about it."

Socialite:  "BLAHMEBLAHBLAHONE-SIDEDCONVERSATIONBLAHMEBLAHMEBLAH

*2 Hours Later*

BLAHBLAHBLAH...well I gotta go! Nice talking to ya!"

This is the why the "how are you?" should be abolished from society as a conversation starter. It should only be used by the few people who genuinely care about others. for everyone else, the statement is purely self-centered. It should be replaced with conversation starters that aren't questions, and get right to the point. 

Like this:

Trombonist: "I would like it very much if you gave me a piece of gum that I know you have because I saw you give some to the person next to you, and I understand if you do not want to give it to me."
Gum Chewer: "Sure, you can have some."

instead of this:

Trombonist: "How are you? I want some gum and I know you have some."
Gum Chewer: "Good, how are you? Did she see me give that guy gum?"
Trombonist: "I'm good, but I'm kinda hankering for something chewy. Let's see if he'll catch on"
Gum Chewer: "Oh. Drat. She did."
Trombonist: " I wish you would just offer me some. Do you have any gum?"
Gum Chewer: "Well, I do, but I only have one piece left. well, three pieces left."
Trombonist: "Oh, it's OK, I don't need any. Lies. You have three pieces left."

The first may be awkward, but at least it's not fake.

That's my analysis. Based off of it, the socially awkward trombonist response wins. Just respond with "good" and bask in the awkward pause that follows. It will save you from long spiels about the woes of others if you are not in the mood to hear them. But if you genuinely want to hear what someone has to say, then by all means, ask "how are you?" back.

-The Socially Awkward Trombone

Why the Trombone is Awkward

You had a choice between flute, clarinet, trumpet, and trombone. The normal kids picked flute clarinet and trumpet because those instruments are the epitome of beauty and refinement. You, however, picked the trombone. You committed social suicide before you were old enough to realize it. But this can not be blamed on your young and tender age of eleven. This can only be blamed on a hidden trait that you will carry with you for the rest of your life.

Social Awkwardness

Only this hidden trait would direct someone towards the irritating and hilarious instrument known as the trombone. You may be wondering why the trait was hidden. Why couldn't you foresee your terrifying future? Because at the age of eleven, all of your peers are socially awkward and you blend right in. Unfortunately for you, you won't outgrow this trait. You picked the trombone.

Now that you know why you are the way that you are, we can examine some of the things that make the trombone (and you) awkward.

1. Its Size and Shape
Have you ever tried to get the thing on a school bus? It's almost impossible. you have to awkwardly board the bus, awkwardly ask to sit with a kid who looks at you like you"re from outer space, and then awkwardly try to fit the darned instrument in a seat with you. This usually entails straddling the case between your legs in a most uncomfortable and awkward looking position.
In band class it's another story. Once the horn is assembled, it stands almost taller than you. You move towards your seat, sit down, begin to play, and promptly smash the head of the kid in front of you with your slide. Apologizing for this is awkward because the kid has just let out a yelp and the entire class has focused its attention on you.

2. Its Sound
The first sound anyone makes on their trombone tends to resemble a toot and a burp combined. It is not very appealing. Depending on how much you practice, you may sound like this for a long time, and it is quite embarrassing when people mistake your playing for flatus. Talk about an awkward social situation...

The slide is also frequently taken advantage of by many trombone players. They like to gliss as loud and as obnoxiously as possible because it's fun, but it pretty much just makes everyone else mad.


3. The Innuendo
Talking about this causes more social awkwardness in me than I am comfortable with. But believe me, the inappropriate jokes from other sections of the band are never ending.

and lastly,
4. The Questions
Many introductory conversations go something like this:

Normal Person (NP): Nice to meet you, what do you do for fun?
Trombonist (T): I play trombone.
NP: *Gushes* I LOVE that instrument. It only has three buttons right? Does that make it easy to play?
T: I think you're thinking of a trumpet, the trombone is the one with the slide.
NP: Oh. That one.
T: Yeah.

Normal people just don't know what to say to someone who would be crazy enough to pick a trombone, and the trombonist, due to her socially awkward tendencies, does not know how to salvage the conversation.

Coping Techniques
I do know many trombone players who try to escape their social awkwardness for a night by drinking alcohol until they pass out. Although this temporarily allows the player to forget that they are socially awkward, it usually leads to socially awkward questions once they are sober. This is why many trombone players you meet are alcoholics. They can't accept their socially stunted selves any longer. Fortunately, bass trombonists (who are extremely awkward) have been known to play much better when drunk.

Sometimes a trombonist will become a hermit because the stares from non-trombonists become unbearable. They then only come out to play gigs and otherwise remain completely isolated from the world.

Others, such as myself, embrace the social awkwardness and bask in the uncomfortable silences that usually take the place of what should be a response.

Friends
Believe it or not, trombonists do have friends...OTHER TROMBONE PLAYERS!!! Trombone players are almost always completely compatible with one another as they share the common awkward trait. When observing a conversation amongst trombonists, one notices how happy and comfortable they are. They are in their element when talking about loud noises, fire, and mouthpiece preferences.

It's OK
Don't worry if you were born with the trombonist awkward gene. Most trombonists live very happily playing loud, fun, and interesting music under the melody. Life never gets dull around a trombone player. We were never meant to be normal, so embrace your social awkwardness. You could have it so much worse.You could have ended up with the egotistical trumpet trait.

-The Socially Awkward Trombone